Total pages in book: 67
Estimated words: 64320 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 322(@200wpm)___ 257(@250wpm)___ 214(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 64320 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 322(@200wpm)___ 257(@250wpm)___ 214(@300wpm)
If Evan really wanted me, if he cared about me … the thought is lost when my hands move to Jake’s hair, my fingers spearing through it as my lips part and Jake deepens the kiss.
The problem is that when my eyes are closed, I picture Evan. It’s his fingers that thread through my hair and cup the back of my head. It’s his lips pressed against mine.
The problem is when I open my eyes, it’s not Evan. No matter how much I want it to be him.
Diary Entry Three
Dear Mom,
I really could use you today. You had such great advice when I was younger.
Evan’s father passed away and I don’t know what to do. I want to be there for him because I love him even though he’s not here for me. But he didn’t want me to be there for him. Not even at the funeral. He hardly looked at me.
Mom, I think he blames me in some way. Or there’s something I don’t know. I don’t understand it. You know how you told me to be honest with my emotions? I feel like I’m dying inside. I can’t describe how badly it feels to stand near him and be completely ignored because “hurt” doesn’t do it justice. It’s an emptiness I don’t know how to fill.
I love him so much, but I cried alone in the car at the funeral. He didn’t hold me. He didn’t talk to me. He only hugged me like he hugged everyone else. Like I was no one special.
I thought for a second he would let me cry in his arms. Or that he would cry in my arms like he did when his mom died. But he didn’t. He just left.
He didn’t need me, Mom. He didn’t need me at all and it feels like I need him just to breathe.
There’s something else too. Something that you might not like. Or I don’t know, maybe you’ll like it now that you know what Evan did.
I kissed someone else.
I can’t help feeling like I’m cheating on Evan.
But if Evan doesn’t want me, it’s okay, right? It doesn’t feel okay. Separated or divorced, I still love Evan.
This guy, his name’s Jake, he treats me like he cares about me. Not that we’ve done anything really. I don’t even know him. I think I want to, though, and that scares me.
My heart belongs to Evan, but there’s someone else who wants to take it.
Seeing Evan at the funeral is what broke me.
I don’t know what to do.
I tell you that a lot, don’t I? That I don’t know what to do. But for the first time, I want to do something. I’m ready for something to change. I know you’d know what to do.
I wish you were here. I miss you. I love you.
Chapter 16
Evan
The piles of dirt are growing larger. The metal shovels pierce the frozen soil. The sound cuts through my bones, one and then another and another.
It’s been constant as I stand here helplessly. I’ve never been colder, the bitter wind and blustery snow besieging my body, but I still don’t move.
I can’t take my eyes from the two graves.
The shovels spill the dirt, the piles mounting as my eyes drift to the tombstones.
The first my father, a man who died before his time. A death of tragedy.
And then to my wife’s. My love’s. No one believes me. He put her there. James killed her.
My eyes pop open wide when I hear Kat whisper, “It’s all your fault.”
I wake up gasping for air, my heart pounding and I swear I can feel Kat’s hot breath on my neck even though I’m alone. My eyes dart around the room as I slowly lift my body into a sitting position on the bed.
Just a terror. The same as last night.
I’m quick to grab the video monitor for the security system from the nightstand and flick the button on to bring it to life. Mason set it up for me to keep a close eye on her.
It’s only when I see Kat in bed that my heart starts to calm, and my heated skin seems to succumb to the chill of reality.
She’s okay.
I close my eyes and when I open them, the monitor displays an image of her rolling over in bed. To my side. My fingers brush the glass where she is. I’ll be there soon. I’ll be with her and it’ll all be over.
It’s that promise to myself that brings me any sleep at all anymore. It’ll be over soon and then I’ll be with her.
“There’s a lot of shit you aren’t going to like,” Mason states matter-of-factly the second I close the door to his car. He doesn’t even wait for my ass to hit the seat. He’s situated outside the park and I focus on the people walking by. Moving through their day and carrying on with their lives, while mine’s slowly deteriorating into nothing.