Total pages in book: 67
Estimated words: 64320 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 322(@200wpm)___ 257(@250wpm)___ 214(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 64320 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 322(@200wpm)___ 257(@250wpm)___ 214(@300wpm)
“It’s called Mineral Ice,” Jules says agreeably from her spot on the chenille rug. Her glass of wine hasn’t moved from the coffee table since I walked in. Come to think of it, neither Maddie or Sue are drinking either.
The only one who seems normal is Maddie, and it’s because she’s lost her mind. I only just texted them days ago with the news I’m pregnant and she’s taken it upon herself to start planning every detail of the next nine months for me. I love her and the distraction, but there’s no way I can even think about a baby shower right now. It’s all up to her as far as I care.
“I think the grays and yellows will be perfect for a neutral theme,” Maddie says. “We could do bees or elephants and it will all match this room perfectly.”
Maddie has a few bags next to her on the floor. Each from different party shops with samples of all sorts of baby shower accessories and décor. In the group text earlier she said it was a “few” things to look at. Bless her heart, she’s ever the optimist. I only wish I could steal some of her positivity.
It was Maddie’s idea to meet up today, and thank God they dragged me here. I’d rather be looking at tiny yellow clothespins and paper samples for invitations than hysterically crying on the floor in my bedroom. So, I suppose this is a win.
“Thank you for offering to host it, Jules,” I say, pushing as much gratitude as I can into the words, but it still sounds lacking.
I’m not happy, and I just can’t fake it. There’s a hole in my chest and it feels like there’s no way it could ever heal.
The father of my baby left me. Not just left me, but left me again. All I can think is that it’s karma. I slept with him and kicked him out … and then he fucked me and left. This is exactly what I deserve.
I thought we were whole again last night; I felt it. Everything in me felt the love between us. And yet this morning he walked away. I must’ve been a horrible person in a former life.
“Okay, so menu …” Maddie says, leaning over the laptop that’s on the glass coffee table and clicking the keys.
“Is it a little early to start planning all this in so much detail?”
Maddie stops fiddling with her laptop and looks up at me. “I thought maybe it would be a way to cheer you up a bit?” she says before sitting down on her butt right next to Jules. They’re closer to the fire, sitting on the rug, and I’m wedged into the corner of the sofa. “If nothing else it’s like window-shopping,” she offers up.
“I don’t think there’s anything that’s going to cheer me up,” I answer her woefully. My hand drifts to my midsection, but there’s not even a tiny bump. There’s no way I’d know I was pregnant if I wasn’t peeing on a stick every other day to prove that it’s real.
“Do you … want to …” Maddie trails off as she struggles to suggest something else.
“Do you want to talk about what’s going on?” Sue pipes up. “We can listen, you can vent. I could get a pillow and you can hit it?”
“I’m so fucked up right now …” I say and almost swallow the confession, but then I blurt it out, “that I’m actually considering starting to write letters again.” I remember how I used to write to my mother when she died. It was what my therapist had suggested. “That’s how low I feel,” I tell them, emphasizing each word.
“You can tell us, you know?” Sue says and Jules nods in agreement. Maddie’s soft gaze loses its ever-present happiness and all that’s reflected in her expression is a sad smile.
“I’ll probably cry too much to get it out,” I respond and huff a sarcastic laugh to keep from completely losing it again. “I just wish someone could explain it. I feel crazy.”
“Well, you’re pregnant so you’re allowed to be crazy,” Maddie says as if that’s a known fact and it actually makes me laugh. It’s just a little bubble of one, but it’s something at least.
“So let’s have the complete update,” Jules says and squares her shoulders as she gives me her full attention.
“It’s over.” The words come out easier than I thought they would. Maybe I’m just numb to them, I don’t know.
“For real, for real?” Maddie asks me.
“Yeah, I’m not,” I pause and shake my head then close my eyes. “I’m not doing this back and forth. I know where I want my life to go, I know what I need to do, and Evan just isn’t there.”
“Did you tell him you’re pregnant?” Sue asks me cautiously.