Total pages in book: 61
Estimated words: 58003 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 290(@200wpm)___ 232(@250wpm)___ 193(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 58003 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 290(@200wpm)___ 232(@250wpm)___ 193(@300wpm)
Shawn shrugged, wary of showing his hand. “I don’t know what to say. Stuff happened. It was good.”
“Do you want to do it again? Like that, I mean. No camera. Just us.”
“Yes.” No hesitation. That part was easy to admit to. “Do you?”
“Hell yes.” Jude’s face was serious now. “But—” He took a deep breath. “—if we’re gonna carry on doing that, I need to know if you can be in a relationship with me. Because I don’t just want you to be a fuck buddy. But I’m not sure you’re ready for more, even if you care about me.” Hurt crept over his features. “I heard you talking to Dev this morning on the landing—the doors in this place are pretty thin. And if we’re going to carry on doing this, then I don’t want it to be something you’re ashamed of. That would suck.”
Shawn’s face burned. Guilt flooded him at the thought of Jude overhearing that conversation. “I’m sorry. I just freaked out and didn’t know what to tell him. He didn’t believe me anyway.”
“Yeah, but that’s not the point. Your first instinct was to lie about it. And I understand why. You’re new to all this, and only just coming out of denial. But I care about you too much to go along with that. I can’t be your guilty secret, Shawn. That would make me feel like crap, and I’d end up resenting you for making me feel bad.”
“So, what are you saying?” Shawn was struggling to process Jude’s words. It was all too much too soon. “Is it all or nothing? You want to be with me, but only if I come out and tell everyone?” The thought of that made his stomach turn over and defensiveness made his temper flare. “Because I don’t think it’s fair to push me to come out before I’m ready.”
Jude shrugged. “Maybe it isn’t. But I’m trying to protect myself. I know what I need if I’m going to be in a relationship with someone. I need to be with a guy who isn’t ashamed to be seen with me. I’m not prepared to hide away like a criminal. I’m proud of who I am.”
Jude stared at him, with determination on his face, but hope too.
Fuck. Shawn wished so much that he could feel the same. He envied Jude his certainty and his confidence. But the idea of telling all his friends and his family that he was in a relationship with a man seemed impossible. He was torn, his heart pulling him in one direction while his fear pulled him in another.
There was a long pause, before finally Shawn spoke around the lump in his throat. “I don’t know if I can do that. Not yet, anyway.” His chest ached, and the blatant disappointment on Jude’s face was like a lance to Shawn’s guts. “I’m sorry,” he added huskily.
“But you do like me?” Jude asked then. “Not that it helps, really. Maybe it will only make it worse to know…. But if it wasn’t for me wanting to be open about things, would you want to be with me? In a relationship, not just for sex?”
“Yes.” Shawn’s voice cracked and his eyes prickled dangerously. He figured Jude deserved this honesty, even if it hurt more to know what he was throwing away because of his cowardice. “Yes. I really like you. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. But it’s too soon for me to come out. I’m not ready for that yet.”
“Fuck.” Jude gave a harsh chuckle that sounded nothing like amusement. “Yeah, okay, that does actually make it worse. I almost wish I hadn’t asked.”
“I’m sorry,” Shawn said again, helplessly. He could see his misery reflected back on Jude’s face. “So… where do we go from here? Do you still want to do the shows together?”
He felt a pathetic surge of hope. If Jude said yes, then at least Shawn would get to keep that contact with him.
“I don’t know. I think it would mess with my head, and maybe yours too. We crossed a line last night. That meant a lot to me, and I think it did to you too.” He watched Shawn carefully with narrowed eyes.
Shawn couldn’t deny it; the tug in his heart was the proof. “Yeah. Yeah it did.”
“So I’m not sure I can go back to messing around on camera with you. Not now feelings are involved, it would be too weird and depressing.”
“That’s it, then,” Shawn said. “It’s over?”
“I guess.” Jude shrugged sadly. “I think it’s for the best.”
“Can we still be friends?”
Shawn regretted the words as soon as they were out. Not because he didn’t mean them—he didn’t want to lose Jude’s friendship—but because he sounded so needy and pathetic. But he did want Jude in his life, in whatever form that took. He’d hate it if he lost Jude completely.