Total pages in book: 116
Estimated words: 111089 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 555(@200wpm)___ 444(@250wpm)___ 370(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 111089 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 555(@200wpm)___ 444(@250wpm)___ 370(@300wpm)
He shook his head as he approached the table and snatched one. “Whatever,” he said, taking a bite. “Still didn’t know I want Asian fusion later. Don’t act like you know me.” He winked, giving me every bit of props despite his words.
It was the most innocent of moments, and those were the most life-giving for me. When we’d first submitted to our impulses, I’d worried being stuck in my home wouldn’t be enough space for our relationship to flourish, that Kyle would feel trapped or become agitated by our limitations, but it only helped us explore what we were really searching for, something within one another. Through new extra-credit assignments and group get-togethers with DJ, Maya, Bentley, and Hanna, we had incognito dates. We knew what they were, but having our secret, that was just ours, made them that much more special. And the turbulent fucks we’d share after almost made the restrictions that much more worth it.
We were thieves, stealing every opportunity, every moment that we could from the universe, greedily storing up everything so we could share it with one another.
After breakfast and watching a couple of our shows, we found ourselves on my blanket in the woods, on a picnic, enjoying the early return of warm weather on a lovely March afternoon.
March.
That much closer to the end of the school year, when what Kyle and I shared, though scandalous, would fall outside the bounds of the law.
Kyle’s voice came from beside me. “What are you thinking about?”
Stretched out, my hands behind my head, I enjoyed the warmth of the sun against my face, lost in my thoughts while Kyle continued eating his cheese-and-pepperoni sub that we’d prepared and packed before leaving my house. His eyes were narrowed, I figured in part because of the position of the sun.
“I was thinking how quickly this year has gone by since…”
“You found out how good I taste?”
“You were so sweet this morning. Where did Dirty Kyle come from?”
“‘I’ll be as dirty as I please, and I like to be dirty, and I will be dirty!’”
“You did not just go full Emily Brontë on me.”
“If you hadn’t thought of Brontë, I’d worry you weren’t doing the reading, Mr. Warner.”
I laughed, rolling onto my side and propping myself up on my elbow. “Were you quizzing me just then?”
“An easy quiz. It’s been a month since we finished it. I think I wrote some of my best responses on that one.”
“I remember them,” I said, because since we’d started spending time together, little excited me as much as reading about Kyle’s notions of love, lust, desire, particularly as they always seemed directed at me.
“That’s why I brought it up.” He took another bite of his sub. “Maybe we can pretend we’re not in the woods, but the moors. I could be your Heathcliff, Cathy.”
“I think we should probably be Hareton and Cathy.”
“Where’s the fun in that? You don’t like wild, feral desire, James?”
“Toxic, painful desire is more like it.”
“Speaking of which, have you heard from…”
He was generous in not saying her name. She’d made an art out of delaying the divorce.
“No. I like it that way. I’m assuming she’s too busy with her new guy and helping her mom.”
“I still think that’s a bullshit reason not to go ahead and file.”
Guilt rose within me. “I know the reason I didn’t step up again was because I wanted to enjoy what we were beginning and ignore all the rest. To pretend there isn’t a problem. I’m too good at that. Maybe that’s why Sheila and I made it as long as we did.”
My thoughts traveled too easily back through the hurt and the pain, to one particular night. I shook my head. “You know, after I confronted her about the final affair, I checked into a nearby hotel. Just needed to get out of that house, needed to get her out of my mind for some time. Even after all that happened, I was still considering going back. Sounds pathetic to me now, but I thought I could help her. That I could change, and she would be good to me.
“She came to visit me, and I remember her holding me as I relived all this pain, and I told her that I was struggling to figure out if she was a woman who made mistakes or a monster. And she didn’t say anything to that. Just kept holding me. Just silent. I remember thinking, I could never imagine someone I loved saying that to me, and not being horrified to know I caused them so much pain. I tried to make excuses, but then realized excuses for her were what had gotten me in so deep. I’m not saying she is a monster, but the fact that she wasn’t more rattled by that, it still haunts me…makes me question all the years together.”