Total pages in book: 95
Estimated words: 92466 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 462(@200wpm)___ 370(@250wpm)___ 308(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 92466 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 462(@200wpm)___ 370(@250wpm)___ 308(@300wpm)
“You don’t like it when I bring him up, do you?” His voice trembled. “I don’t like it, either. I wish it were a nightmare I could wake up from.”
I hadn’t been ready to admit what happened with Julian and me—I was still using him as a shield. It felt like without the idea of him, I was too vulnerable. Without Julian, my heart was still in the place it had been when my marriage ended. But right now, I couldn’t stand the hurt in my ex-husband’s eyes. I needed to ease the pain I knew he was feeling right now at the mere mention of Julian’s name.
I needed to tell Atticus the truth.
“I’m not with him anymore,” I admitted.
My revelation, though, only seemed to make him angrier.
Atticus gritted his teeth. “What did he fucking do? I’ll kill him if he hurt you. I—”
“No.” I placed my hand on his chest. “He didn’t do anything. I ended it.”
His erratic breaths softened. “Why?”
“Because he and I were…a mistake.”
His chest heaved. “Why were you a mistake?”
“You know why, Atticus.”
Atticus’s eyes were glassy. I couldn’t tell if it was because he’d had more than three drinks tonight or if he was about to cry.
He moved in closer. “I need to hear you say it.”
I swallowed. “He and I were a mistake…because I only attached myself to him to forget you and to spite you, and I’m a horrible person for it. At the time I let him in, I needed a distraction from how badly I was hurt, and I didn’t care that I hurt you in the process.”
Atticus nodded for a while. “Well, mission accomplished.” He exhaled. “But you know the hardest part for me?”
“What?”
“I can’t even blame you for it. Because I wanted to hurt me, too.”
A shooting pain sliced through my chest.
He closed his eyes as the room filled with silence.
“Can we not talk about this anymore, Atticus? It’s been a long night.”
He nodded.
We said nothing further as we changed for bed, once again back to back so the other couldn’t see things we’d already seen a million times before.
Then we got into bed and lay together in more silence. I’d thought maybe he’d fallen asleep until he spoke into the darkness.
“I hate the person I am without you,” he whispered.
My chest tightened. His words mirrored exactly how I felt about myself. I hated the person I was without him, the person I’d become in the years since our separation. I didn’t want to be that heartless woman anymore.
I wanted to comfort him right now, to roll over and hold him. But I was so afraid to let my guard down. The need to touch him in some way became too intense, though. I reached my hand over to his chest and placed it on his heart. It was beating so fast. I didn’t have to wonder why. I knew.
He placed his hand over mine, locking it in. I fell asleep to the rhythm of his heart beating for me.
***
When I walked into the kitchen the following morning, Atticus threw me for a loop.
“Did you mean everything you said last night?” he asked.
“What are you talking about?”
“Everything you said in your sleep.”
A rush of adrenaline hit. Oh no. “What did I say?”
“You don’t remember?”
“Of course I don’t remember what I said while I was sleeping.” Dread filled me. “What did I say?”
He flashed a mischievous grin. “It’s too obscene to repeat. I don’t want to embarrass you.”
Great. “Your little game is such a mind fuck. You know that?”
He flashed his teeth. “It is, isn’t it?”
The smirk on his face was so damn sexy. I hated that this man could make me feel like my body was on fire just by looking at me. I wanted to run my hands through his hair so badly that my fingertips tingled. I wanted to kiss him and forget about the past for one damn day.
These feelings were troubling, to say the least.
“Heard you get up,” he said, “so I prepared your coffee. Mimi’s also had her breakfast. She should be good for a while but probably needs to be changed soon. She still won’t let me do it.” He turned to leave the kitchen.
“Where are you going?”
“My drums are about to arrive. Got a text from the delivery guy that he’s only a few minutes away.” Atticus disappeared down the hall.
After I tended to my grandmother, I returned to the kitchen and heated up the coffee Atticus had prepared for me earlier.
Still consumed by our conversation last night, I took advantage of him being out of the house and went back to the room to open my laptop. Though I knew it would upset me, I clicked into another of Atticus’s lost emails.
Nicole,
You could at least let me know you’re receiving these messages.
I wrote a song for you.