Total pages in book: 185
Estimated words: 180510 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 903(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 602(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 180510 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 903(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 602(@300wpm)
I LOVE YOU! Stop pushing me away!
Controlling every crushing emotion racking around inside of my chest, I give her a simple nod. “I’ll see you at three.”
“Okay. Have a good day.” She steps outside and closes the door behind her.
“A good day,” I whisper to myself, taking a seat on the stairs, resting my hands on my knees while shoving my fingers into my hair. “You’re alive, baby. It’s a fucking amazing day.”
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
“How are you?” Izzy asks, backing out of Colten’s driveway.
“Good. Why?”
She puts the car in Drive and gives me a quick sideways glance. “Well, yesterday your fiancé—who thought you were dead—saw you at a CVS. He had to be in shock. I can only imagine. Completely stunned. It’s been six months. And Felix said he was there with another woman. You must have some feelings about all of this. What did Colten say when you got back to his house? Is he serious with the other woman? What are your feelings at the moment?”
“Colten was … in shock. I think. As for my feelings? I feel bad. And I feel guilty. And I still feel confused. Insecure. Frustrated. Brokenhearted. You name the emotion and I’m feeling it. Angry … I’m definitely angry.”
“At Colten?”
“No. I’m angry at myself for not ending my life, for not thinking this through. It’s good that I don’t have memories of Winston Jeffries. It’s bad that I’m crippled. It’s bad that Colten knows I’m alive, and he feels responsible for me … just when he was moving on. And now I have to tell my parents before he tells them. I’m mad at myself for thinking that my existence in this world was necessary.”
“Josie, I don’t know if anyone’s existence in the world is necessary. It’s life. The good, the bad, and the ugly.”
I can’t stop thinking about the woman in red. “She’s beautiful,” I say. “The woman. They were clearly going someplace nice. They were way too dressed up for ‘just friends.’ In his head, I died. And I did die. Do I think six months is a little early to be dating someone new?” I shrug. “I don’t know. My memory is so messed-up. I’m having trouble sensing time. Six weeks. Six months. Six years. It’s all about the same to me.”
“How did it make you feel when you saw the other woman? Were you angry then?”
“I was surprised to see him. She was an afterthought. And I think …” I sigh. “I think it brought back memories of all the times he was with some other girl when we were younger. I got so used to being silently jealous and irrationally angry. I never felt good enough for him, and it had nothing to do with him. Colten never made me feel anything short of the most special person in the room. But I felt different than the other girls. He was so talented, and everyone adored him. It was easy to want him yet feel inadequate, like he deserved someone better than me.”
“That’s sad, Josie.”
I nod. “It was sad. Inadequacy is a soul-robbing emotion. It was then, and it is now. When we were younger, it took me a while to feel like he wasn’t being my friend or my boyfriend because I was the default girl next door or the chief’s daughter. And no sooner did I let that feeling of inadequacy fall away, he let me go. Seventeen years passed, and we were back in each other’s lives. I didn’t need anyone to tell me that I hated him. I remember all too well. I also didn’t need anyone to tell me that I still love him. I remember that all too well. So this second chance at being with him gets trampled by, yet again, something else that spirals me back into that soul-robbing feeling of inadequacy. Fuck my life. Really … just fuck my life.”
“Are you saying he’s no longer interested? No longer in love with you?”
“He loves me,” I whisper. “He’s hardwired to love me. I know this. But sometimes we’re hardwired to do things that aren’t in our best interest. Some would say addiction like alcoholism is something hardwired within people. So sure … Colten loves me. He’d leave the pretty girl from last night to be with me. But who am I? I’ll tell you. I’m a mutated version of my original self. I’m a salvaged vehicle. I don’t know if I’ll ever be mentally the same. Or physically the same. He’s …”
I laugh despite the pain. “Colten is so sexy. In his prime. Virile. And deserving of a woman who …” I shrug. “A woman who looks like a gift from God in a red dress with magnificent heels and long flowing hair. He doesn’t need, nor does he deserve, someone who can’t climb the stairs. She has sexy shoes. I have a walker. Which one do you think gives a guy an erection?”