Total pages in book: 185
Estimated words: 180510 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 903(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 602(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 180510 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 903(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 602(@300wpm)
“Next, we’re going to hear from Colten Mosley, Josie’s fiancé,” Savannah says through sniffles.
Am I her fiancé if she’s dead?
I give Savannah a hug while she steps away from the podium.
I’m not the best at winging it, but they didn’t leave me with much choice.
Clearing my throat, my gaze slides over the faces of the crowd. “The day we moved into the house across the street from the Watts, my dad told me he met Chief Watts. And then he told me there was a boy named Joe who was my age. I was ecstatic because I hated being the new kid starting school with no friends. I had the whole summer to become Joe’s best bud. Then I discovered Joe was Josephine. And …” I smile, shaking my head. “I was really conflicted. She was a girl. That was disappointing. It was also the day my life changed in ways I never could have imagined.
“Josie poured me a glass of milk and offered me the best chocolate chip cookie I had ever tasted. Then she spent the next eight years threading herself through my heart one stitch at a time. She held me together when my world fell apart around me. Our love was unlike any love I have ever experienced. Unlike any love I have ever seen or any love written with words … or even in the stars. It’s not a father’s love. It’s not a son’s love. It’s not even a husband’s love. It’s that feeling you get when everything is dark, and you can’t even see yourself. Then …” My voice cracks, and I pull in a shaky breath. “She slides her hand into mine and squeezes it.” I shake my head, glancing at the smattering of puffy clouds in the blue sky. “And just like that … I felt seen.” Closing my eyes, I picture her. That slow growing smile of hers. That knowing smile.
I see you.
When I open my eyes, I release a long breath. “I believe wherever my beautiful Josephine is right now, she’s at peace. And making whatever world she’s in a better place. That’s what she does. She makes everything … better.”
I weave my way between the rows of chairs instead of taking a seat in the front row again. Then I get into my car and drive to the Watts’ house.
Through the backyard.
Into the woods.
Up the tree.
Swinging my legs from “our” branch, I laugh. Then I laugh a little more, a little harder. “Tessa Hart was at your celebration of life. Remember her? The placeholder? Actually, there was a surprising number of people from our class, which means nobody moves away from Des Moines unless they are awesome like us. It also means you had more friends than you ever imagined because you were awesome. And everything.” The smile slides off my face. “Josie … I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry I couldn’t fix it. Fix you. I’m sorry I only saw you and not him. Had I let myself focus on him, I would have seen you dying long before you took your own life.”
Fuck the tears. I set them free.
Everything hurts from my burning eyes to my aching heart. The cold void of nothingness in my soul has never been as chilling as it is right now. It’s taken me months to make it here. Home. And now that I’m here where she used to be everywhere, her absence feels like it’s crushing my fucking heart.
I sniffle, tipping my chin to let more tears find their way to the earth below. “Is this how you felt? Alone? Like the best part of you was gone? Stolen?” Nodding slowly, I swallow past the lump in my throat. “Maybe you …” I grit my teeth when more tears blur my vision. “Maybe you were him … but he wasn’t you. Josie … He. Wasn’t. You.” And with that, I pull out a candy bar and eat it all by myself.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
“I don’t want to wear that.” Reagan scrunches her little nose at me while I hold up her T-ball shirt.
“It’s your team’s tee. You have to wear it. Everyone else will be wearing theirs.”
“Mom said I don’t have to be like other kids.”
I sit on the end of her bed, chuckling. “That’s correct. You are unique. No one is like you. This shirt will not change that. It will make it, so the rest of your team recognizes you as one of the team members. When you’re on the field, you need to know if the person standing by a base is the one running on your team or a player from the other team trying to get you out.”
With her arms crossed, she huffs. “Fine.” She holds up her arms and lets me pull her shirt over her head. “I’m sad mommy won’t be at the game.”