Total pages in book: 137
Estimated words: 126547 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 633(@200wpm)___ 506(@250wpm)___ 422(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 126547 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 633(@200wpm)___ 506(@250wpm)___ 422(@300wpm)
Emil smiled, turning toward the barn to leave Jinx inside. “I’d really like that. Have you—I mean, you said you’re celibate, right?”
“Yes.” Adam pulled on a weed growing by the wall and peeled off its leaves and spikelets, as if he needed something to do with his hands.
“So… what happened, was a first for you?” Emil didn’t want to pry, but he was concerned about what that could mean for Adam.
“It doesn’t matter,” Adam said in a calm voice, but to Emil that answer was as good as confirmation.
Jinx whinnied and sped into his box as if he couldn’t wait for his lunch. Emil had filled his manger earlier, so he shut the door and faced Adam, trying to calm his breathing as the truth of Adam’s ordeal sank in.
“It does. I’m sorry it had to happen for you this way.” Emil leaned against the barn door with a deep sigh. “I was a late bloomer myself. I became aware of the things I wanted after I shared this brief, innocent thing with another boy my age, but never really reached out for them until I was twenty. So, my point is, if I… hurt you, you can tell me. Are you okay?” he asked, trying hard not to imagine how violating the sex must have felt for Adam, who lay beneath him, trapped inside his body and unable to call for help. Being penetrated for the first time was a nerve-wracking experience for most people, even when it was consensual, and he had a hard time coping with the fact that he’d harmed Adam by trying to give him pleasure.
Adam’s chest filled with air, but he met Emil’s gaze. “I was scared. But you didn’t hurt me. I know I said you should have known, but it was only because I was angry. You couldn’t have known. None of it was your fault.”
Emil nodded with a heavy heart. No matter how lovely Adam’s blue eyes were, they no longer invited him to seduce. An unenthusiastic partner made any of his arousal wither. What he craved was a lover who, well… loved him back.
He passed Adam with ‘I was scared’ still ringing in his head. He would never be able to look back at what had happened with fondness.
“What about you?” Adam asked, following him across the sunlit yard. “You are very confident in what you want, whether it’s moral or not. What held you back before you were twenty?”
Emil chewed on that with a deep sigh. “You probably heard the gossip about my parents’ death. My grandma died not long after, so I was brought up by my grandad. He was a fantastic guy. He taught me everything I know. How to hunt, how to take care of animals, and how to handle my basic household chores—something he had to learn himself after Grandma passed away. I didn’t want to disappoint him.”
He invited Adam inside with a heavy heart. The house hadn’t been the same without Grandpa, but Emil kept it the way it had been when they’d lived here together, hoping it would preserve the spirit of the old man.
“Sin aside, he raised you right,” Adam said with a small smile.
“I don’t know. I was twenty when he died. See the connection? I didn’t hold back my sexuality after that. It’s not like I can come out of the closet in Dybukowo, but I don’t care what others think as much as I used to when I had to worry about gossip reaching Grandpa. But I sometimes wonder if I shouldn’t have been honest with him. He was an older guy, but open-minded for these parts, so maybe he would have accepted me the way I am. But I’ll never know.”
Adam stepped closer and pulled Emil into a brief but honest hug before taking away the warmth and scent Emil was already painfully hooked on. “What matters most is to be a decent person. Help your neighbors, don’t be an asshole. And you are a decent guy.”
“If that’s what matters most, why do you call my sexuality a sin and hate it in yourself so much?” Emil turned around, because he couldn’t stand the tension buzzing between them.
For a few precious minutes last night, he’d let himself believe that Adam was his. That he’d lured in a skittish doe, that he would earn its affection by giving it only the most delicious treats with a side dish of love and care. But in the end, domesticating the wild beauty had turned out to be a deluded fantasy of a man who craved companionship more than he’d ever admit.
“You’re not Catholic, and I try not to judge people who don’t share my beliefs. I fail at it sometimes, but respect for different beliefs is the only thing that can keep us all from killing each other.” Adam grabbed the cup of water Emil had poured for him and downed it before loudly placing the empty container on the counter.