Total pages in book: 61
Estimated words: 58003 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 290(@200wpm)___ 232(@250wpm)___ 193(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 58003 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 290(@200wpm)___ 232(@250wpm)___ 193(@300wpm)
They went back to watching in silence for a while.
Jude broke the silence again. “Am I the first guy you’ve ever done anything sexual with?”
Shawn tensed, adrenaline pumping through him. He wasn’t sure he was ready to talk about that, but Jude was asking, and given the situation between them, he owed him a reply.
“Yeah,” he admitted, feeling a weird mix of shame and embarrassment. Was it pathetic that he was so afraid when other guys made it look so easy? It wasn’t as though he was short of good role models for men who had sex with other men.
“I’d assumed I was, but I wanted to check.” Jude didn’t sound as if he was judging him. “Why now, though? I mean… why haven’t you done it before?”
Shawn sighed, uncomfortable. “I was resistant to it for a long time. I grew up thinking gay was a bad thing. Everyone at my school used it as an insult, a word you threw around to hurt people. I didn’t want that to be me.”
“But you’re not gay—are you?” Jude asked in surprise. He turned, angling his body towards Shawn.
Shawn met his curious gaze, the movie forgotten. “No.” He was very sure about that. “I always liked girls… women. I love being with women. I’m not faking that.”
“I never said you were.”
“But some people would say I was. That I’m really gay but just scared to admit it.”
“Some people are idiots. That doesn’t make them right. So you’re bi?”
Shawn’s heart beat faster. “Yes.” He got the word out around the lump in his throat. Just one little word that was so hard to say. But as soon as it was out, he felt lighter somehow. “Yes, I am.”
Jude rewarded him with a smile. “Good for you.”
Shawn grinned back, floating on the rush of what he’d admitted. I’m bisexual, and that’s okay.
He still wasn’t sure what he wanted. He couldn’t imagine telling anyone else yet, but telling Jude still felt huge. And it felt good.
Not knowing what else to say, he turned back to watch the film, letting the warm glow of his admission settle in his chest. Jude’s shoulder was warm against his and their bare legs brushed under the blanket. Shawn yearned for more, but he wasn’t sure how to make it happen.
For now this was enough. It was good, and he felt happy and hopeful for the first time in ages.
They got drawn into the action of the film, and any interactions between them were focused on that—or on the beauty of Ryan Reynolds’s arse in his tight suit.
When the movie ended, Jude moved first, stretching and yawning before closing his laptop. “That was cool. Good film.”
“Yeah. It was just as good second time around too.” Shawn pushed the blanket off his legs and stood, muscles protesting from sitting still for so long after working out earlier. He lifted his foot up behind him to stretch his quads.
“Sore?” Jude asked.
“Yeah, a little. I’ll feel it tomorrow if I don’t stretch now.”
Jude started gathering up the pizza boxes.
“Let me help you take this stuff down to the kitchen.” Shawn picked up the empty beer cans and they went downstairs together.
In the kitchen they found Jez and Mac making toasted sandwiches.
“No, don’t put onion in yours or I won’t be kissing you tonight,” Mac complained.
Jez slapped him on the arse. “I’m sure I can find other uses for your mouth, baby. Oh, hi, guys. Sorry for the TMI.”
Jude laughed. “Never TMI. Thanks for the mental image.”
Shawn blushed, still uncomfortable with how open Jez was about his sex life. “Whatever, man. I’m totally used to it by now.”
“So, what have you guys been up to?” Jez glanced between them.
Jude held up the empty pizza box. “Watching Deadpool and eating pizza.”
“Awesome. Sounds like the perfect evening—apart from the gym earlier. I’m way too lazy for that shit. Luckily Mac has enough muscles for both of us.” He grinned at his boyfriend. “But you two are spending a lot of time together recently. Working out together, movie nights… is this a beautiful new bromance, Shawny? Have you finally moved on after Mike?” Jez grinned at him, teasing. “Or is there something you’re not telling us?”
Shawn felt his hackles rise as anxiety ripped through him. Jez was only teasing, didn’t even mean anything by it, but Shawn couldn’t help his reaction. Years of denial and overcompensation were hard to shake off. “Don’t be a twat,” he said roughly. “Can’t I hang out with a mate without you reading stuff into it? Not everyone’s into dick just because you are.”
Years of ingrained habit gave his tone an edge of disgust. As he said it, he glanced at Jude, who looked back. Was that a flash of hurt on Jude’s face? That just stoked Shawn’s irritation higher. They weren’t anything more than friends, so why should Jude care what he said? They weren’t even fuck buddies. It didn’t count if you were doing it for money. “I need a shower. I’m still gross from the gym.” He viciously crushed the beer cans he was holding and shoved them into the recycling bin. “Cheers for the pizza, mate,” he said to Jude, not meeting his eye again.