Total pages in book: 98
Estimated words: 91755 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 459(@200wpm)___ 367(@250wpm)___ 306(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 91755 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 459(@200wpm)___ 367(@250wpm)___ 306(@300wpm)
“Yeah.”
“What… what happened? I mean… why didn’t you come in?”
His body was tense, as if he suspected the real reason and was anticipating the blow from me putting it into words.
“Chris answered the door in a towel. He didn’t invite me in. You were in the shower.”
“Fuck. That motherfucker.” His words were angry, but his tone was hurt. “Thanks. That actually helps, believe it or not. I told him no that night, but he didn’t take it well. Then I had to tell him no several more times after the funeral. I still don’t think he’s gotten the message.”
“Why don’t you want to be with him now?” I had a pretty good idea, but I still wanted to hear him say it.
“He’s my past. He’s comfort and familiarity. But… I was blind to the fact he isn’t the right person for my future. And I feel so stupid looking back on how much I tried forcing it based on a childhood ideal and a teenage promise. I was a fool.”
“You were a romantic.”
“I was an idiot.”
“You were lonely,” I said as gently as I could.
“Yes. So fucking lonely. But there are other ways to solve that than clinging onto the wrong person. It’s taken a lot of soul-searching and some long conversations with one of my friends at work, but I finally see it much clearer. I would have made him miserable. And he for damned sure would have made me the same.”
“It’s good to recognize that now, I guess.”
“Yeah, but it still hurts like a bitch. Losing the idea of him, the future I had planned with him, is like grieving.”
It made sense, and my heart ached for him. I knew how much stock he’d put in his picture-perfect future with Chris.
I nudged Teo back onto his front and slid my hand under his shirt to run my fingernails lightly over his back. It was a soothing gesture my mother had always done on me when I was little.
“That feels good,” he murmured into the pillow.
“My family calls it chicken scratch,” I explained. “It’s my mom’s specialty. If you’re feeling sick or upset about anything, this’ll do the trick or at least lull you into a stupor and make you stop caring about it.”
“Mmm.”
He let me tickle his back for a while before he said, “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
Teo turned his head so he could look at me. “For not messaging you back. For not being here when you came by. For…”
“Stop. You don’t need to apologize to me. You don’t owe me anything. We’re friends. You were going through a tough time.”
His body seemed to let go of some tension at my words. “Thanks, Jack. I don’t really know how to navigate this. I’ve spent so much time and energy focusing on Chris and how to get him to finally start building a life with me that I’ve neglected focusing on myself and others. And that’s what pisses me off the most about this.”
I stopped rubbing his back and sat up against the headboard. He followed suit.
“Listen,” I began. “I understand what you’re saying, but I disagree with part of it. You’ve never stopped focusing on others. You’ve devoted yourself to the care of others, not only in your career but also your personal life. You’ve been there for your sister when she and Bella needed you. You told me how much you babysat for Bella in those early years while you were still trying to get good enough grades at the community college to get into nursing school. And you were working full-time. I also know from talking to Sam at the game that you volunteer at the center on Halstead together. So cut that shit out and stop making yourself out to be selfish when you’re the furthest thing from it.”
His eyes widened as I spoke. “Okay, fine. But I haven’t spent enough time being me on my own, pursuing my own interests and expanding my own horizons. I was waiting for someone—Chris—to come take care of me, and that’s bullshit.”
I reached out to flick a wayward curl over his ear. “It’s okay to want to be taken care of. But I get what you’re saying. You want some time to focus on Teo now. I think that’s a good thing. Healthy. So what does Teo want to do that he’s not already doing?”
He crisscrossed his legs and rubbed his hands together. “I’ve been thinking about it. I definitely love the work I do at the center, and obviously I’ve already made the job change too. But I want to take a knitting class to learn how to do cables so I can try to knit a fisherman’s sweater one day. And I also want to go on a boat. I’ve never been on one.”
I laughed. “What kind of boat? A sailboat or just any kind?”