Total pages in book: 101
Estimated words: 94436 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 472(@200wpm)___ 378(@250wpm)___ 315(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 94436 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 472(@200wpm)___ 378(@250wpm)___ 315(@300wpm)
“More secrets,” I fumed, anger a living beast in my gut. “Felicity wasn’t the end of it, was it? Your world is built on lies, and I’m living in it, but as your wife, I’m not entitled to actually be in your life. Everything is still on your terms.”
I pushed up from my seat, intending on storming off for effect and also because I did not want Jay to see my cry. It was something that really annoyed me about myself, my penchant for bursting into tears when I was angry or frustrated. It really didn’t do much for the strong female image I was trying to portray, and I didn’t want Jay to see that weakness in me.
Of course, I didn’t manage to storm out. Jay moved quickly, leaving the kitchen in a handful of long strides so he was blocking my way with his body. I scowled up at him, hating that he was so fucking beautiful, that the power he had over me hadn’t dulled. Not one bit.
“Okay,” he said stepped forward, his hand cupping my cheek. “Okay, Stella. I don’t keep things from you because I don’t trust you, because I think you’re weak. I keep certain things from you because I think so highly of you. Because you are the only thing in my life untouched, pure, good, right. Because I am a greedy man, because I want you to be the one pure thing in my love. Untainted by my life.”
My heart broke for this man. This damaged, broken and complicated man. Who loved me more than I’d ever thought a human could be loved and hated himself in that same measure.
I made it my silent vow to figure out how to rid him of that hate, to see himself how I saw him. But that would take a lifetime, which was fine since that’s how long I intended to be with him.
“I knew what I was getting in to with you,” I choked out, staring up at him. “And I am not untainted or pure—that’s one of the many reasons I fell in love with you. Because you gave the dark parts of me a home.” I took a deep breath. “After my childhood, what happened with my mom, I realized that something ugly existed inside of me. Something I’d tried to forget, bury.” I paused. “Until you. I’m not afraid of anything inside of me now because of you, Jay. The more you hide from me, the more afraid I get.”
He regarded me as if he were trying to peel me apart, see the insides of me. I wished he could, wished there was a way I could show him every single thing.
“My business is running the streets of L.A.” he revealed finally. “The areas of the city are divided up into territories and controlled by different street gangs. Those gangs do not get along, for the most part. But they do not engage in war because they all answer to me. I do not control them, do not police their activities, I do not stop them from doing whatever horrible violent things they need to do to survive, it’s important you know that.”
Jay’s hand moved from my cheek to my neck, spanning my collarbone, resting his palm above my thundering heart.
“I’m no Robin Hood,” he continued. “There is no nobility in my job. There is money and there is power. Don’t bother trying to make it right or okay in your mind. There’s no way to justify what I do or who I am.”
He sighed. I’d never heard Jay sigh before. The sound was innocuous, natural enough for most people, but not Jay.
I swallowed roughly. “Tell me the rest,” I whispered.
“I control a lot of the arms and weapons coming in and out of the city. I own most of the police. My job is to make sure things don’t get too loud, things don’t make headlines. That the criminals stick to the shadows. I started at the bottom of the pile. The very fucking bottom. I’ve done things to get to the top. I’ve hurt people. Killed them.”
I’d known all this, hadn’t I? Not the specifics, of course, but I’d known Jay had killed people. I’d known he’d killed Heller to get to the top. Known he probably would in the future. That he’d come home with death on his hands, staining his soul. I’d never thought I’d live so closely to something like this, that I’d sleep next to man capable of this and love him with every fiber of my being.
But I did. And I would. Forever.
“That’s the reason for the charity shit,” Jay explained. “I’m belated trying to balance some scales. Trying to offset some of the things I’ve done in this world.” He played with a tendril of my hair. “I know I’m going to hell for my sins. I know I’m going to the darkest corners of it for bringing you in to my world and refusing to let you go. But I’ll serve an eternity in hell for one lifetime with you, Stella. It’s heaven.”