Total pages in book: 126
Estimated words: 129881 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 649(@200wpm)___ 520(@250wpm)___ 433(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 129881 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 649(@200wpm)___ 520(@250wpm)___ 433(@300wpm)
He’s screaming for me, and he sounds as scared as I am (was), and I don’t understand, but then he’s breaking into my room, throwing his shoulder into the door until the wood splits at the frame. He stumbles inside.
I smile so big because I love my brother and I miss him.
I laugh because my door is gone.
“Bro. You’re fucking crazy, you know that?”
My voice sounds far away, but not as far away as CJ’s.
I’m in South Carolina and he’s in Alabama, and we never see each other anymore, but he’s here now. My big brother.
He stands there, staring at the remains of my room. He looks over at me and curses.
“What?” I ask. “Come here, man. Get over here.”
I smile again, and my speech is slurred. I feel good now. Great, actually. I’m so happy to see my brother—I want to cry.
CJ finally rushes over to me.
I don’t know why but I’m on the bathroom floor, and I’m so fucked up I don’t stand. He has to crouch down to put us eye to eye.
“Jake. Fuck, what happened?”
He’s feeling my pockets and the tile beneath me.
What is he doing? What is he looking for?
“What. Nothing happened… come on. Stop.” I try to put my arms around him. “Come here. Give me a hug.”
“What the fuck did you take?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Jake! Goddamn it!” He grips my shoulders, shaking me hard. “What. Did. You. Take?”
I smile, but he doesn’t, and I want to laugh in CJ’s face. He should be happy I’m happy. Why isn’t he?
I blink.
My brother looks miserable, and I feel like a fucking god.
“Jake.”
“What?”
CJ’s face is inches from mine, and he’s scared.
No. He’s terrified. I can see it now.
My breath catches, and I’m not smiling anymore. I forget how to.
Because I finally remember what I did and why he’s here.
I remember what I took.
My hand opens, and I show him the empty bottle.
“Oh fuck,” I croak.
My roommate’s Oxy.
He hid them in the desk. I didn’t know, but I found them. They were five feet away from me where I sat on the floor, the drawer he kept them in busted apart, and I tried to ignore the bottle. I did.
I made it an hour.
And then another.
I buried my face in my hands and screamed. I paced the room.
Four hours.
My skin sweated and itched.
Five hours. Almost six.
I thought about leaving and never coming back, but maybe…
Maybe I didn’t need to leave. Maybe it wasn’t even something I wanted to take.
I just had to check—one look. A glance, and I could forget all about them. I could relax. I could maybe even breathe.
I just needed to look.
Six hours.
I take every fucking pill in that bottle.
“I tried,” I say, voice cracking. “I didn’t want to, CJ. I didn’t.”
“I know.”
“I was waiting for you, and then I found them. I almost made it. I almost made it, CJ, but six hours. It took you six hours.”
“I know.” CJ sounds as devastated as I feel. “I’m sorry. Hey.” He gently holds my face, pressing his forehead against mine. “I’m so sorry, Jake.”
Tears fill my eyes.
My brother is good. He’s so good. He’ll do anything for me. He’ll drop whatever it is he’s doing and drive four hundred miles the second I need him. He’ll break speed limits. He’ll break down doors. Anything and everything.
He’ll even blame himself for this, but he’s not the brother who needs help. He’s not the addict. The fuck-up. I am.
Not him. Never him.
“It’s not your fault,” I say.
“I should’ve driven faster.”
“No. Bullshit.” I drop the bottle and it rolls across the floor. I peel his hands away from my face. “I won’t let you feel guilty for this. You don’t get to feel guilty for this, okay? You can’t.”
“How many did you take?”
“I don’t know.” My head feels heavy, too heavy to lift anymore, and I drop it back against the wall. “I don’t know how many were in there. I didn’t count them.”
“Fuck.”
I start laughing.
I don’t know why, but everything is funny to me again. “You broke my door, shithead.”
I think he wants to smile at me, but he doesn’t. He looks too sad to smile.
“Katie broke up with me.”
CJ’s brows lift, but only for a second. “I’m sorry.”
“She’s fucking Dale now, so. It’s cool. Whatever. I don’t even care.” I flex my hand and think about punching another wall, but I can’t get up. “I’m really scared, you know?”
“I know.”
“I fucked up, CJ.”
“It’s okay. Hey. It’s okay.” He lifts my chin, forcing me to look at him. “I’m not going anywhere. I won’t leave you. We’ll figure this out.”
“What do I do?”
“We need to get you to a meeting.”
“Yeah.” I nod, liking that idea. He’s so smart. “Yeah, that’s good. That’ll work.”
“You got one here?”
“No.”
He sighs. “Shit, Jake.”
“I haven’t needed to go to one! I’ve been good. You know I have.”