Total pages in book: 127
Estimated words: 117363 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 587(@200wpm)___ 469(@250wpm)___ 391(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 117363 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 587(@200wpm)___ 469(@250wpm)___ 391(@300wpm)
And if Ichirou comes back for more? Jean wondered, but he knew the answer to that. Neil thought making connections made him safer. Jean knew he was only telling Ichirou exactly where to hit him to keep him in line. This wasn’t freedom; it was simply a very attractive cage. It should be good enough. It had to be good enough. Jean would never be free of it.
Jean opened one of his notebooks and looked down at the COWARD written across the page. Before he could think twice, he caught hold of the page and tore it out. It was easier than he thought it would be, and he crumpled it with a quick clench of his fingers before dropping it on the floor. The next page came out even easier, and Jean managed four on the third pull. He was making a mess, but he couldn’t stop. It steadied him, buying him time until he could bury his grief and rage.
Jeremy let him get halfway through the notebook before trying again: “Jean.”
“If I asked you to kill me, would you?” Jean asked.
“Don’t ever say that,” Jeremy said, low and insistent. “Look at me.”
“I won’t.”
“We’re your friends. Please let us help you.” When Jean refused to answer, Jeremy changed tactics. “You are supposed to be my success story, but you’re actively working against me. My failure is your failure, right? Tell me why you’re fighting me or let me in.”
Jean regretted ever telling Jeremy about Raven pairs. He hadn’t realized the so-called captain sunshine would so easily turn it back on him. Every way he looked at it, Jeremy had the right of it: Jean did not know how to ignore the deal struck between them. He didn’t have to like or agree with Jeremy’s focus; he only had to concede if he wasn’t holding up his end of the bargain.
“Damn you,” he said, weary with defeat.
At least Jeremy didn’t gloat. He seemed content to wait Jean out, secure in his underhanded victory. Jean wanted to be annoyed with him, but his irritation was more a relief than any genuine anger. It gave him thorns to hold off the rest, and he tugged them close for protection. When he could breathe without feeling like each inhale was turning his chest inside-out, he finally turned to face his captain. Jeremy gazed up at him in calm and steady silence.
“This,” Jean gestured toward himself, meaning the unstable mood he’d come home with, “is not something I am ready to talk about yet. One day, I promise,” he said, because once Nathan’s trial started there’d be no hiding the half-truth of his family’s bloody affairs from any of them, “but not today.”
Jeremy weighed that for a minute before saying. “Okay. So what can we do now?”
“Nothing,” Jean said, and knocked his finger against Jeremy’s chin when he opened his mouth to protest. “It is not now that is the problem, and it is not then, either. You cannot save me from what came before, and you help neither of us by trying to dig up those graves. Leave Evermore to me and Dobson,” he said, and it was a wonder he didn’t grimace at her name. “You made me a promise, so I will hold you to that: help me survive what comes next.”
“Is that all I can do?”
“It is what only you can do,” Jean said. “I trust you.”
He was trying so hard to not say I have no choice that he was slow to realize he meant it. He didn’t understand the Trojans and wasn’t sure he ever would, but he believed their earnest devotion was real. “Their kindness matters,” Kevin had said just this spring. He hadn’t been talking about this, but Jean finally felt the truth in it.
“Will you help me?” he asked.
“Anything you need.”
“A blank check is a dangerous thing to offer.”
“Try me,” Jeremy said. “I can afford it.”
There was no good way to answer that, so Jean turned back to his notebooks and stacked them in a haphazard pile. The move just drew his attention back to his injured wrist, and he covered it up with his other hand. Movement in the corner of his eye warned him Cat and Laila had grown tired of watching this unfold from a distance. Laila held out a large bandage, then withdrew it to peel it open when Jean reached for it. He let her press it into place on his arm without argument.
“I need to eat,” Jean said, though he had no idea what time it was.
“Oh, good,” Cat said, with exaggerated enthusiasm. “I found a new recipe and I need a test subject. Let’s go.”
Out to the kitchen they went, where Cat stepped on the latch for the trash can so Jean could throw away his school notes. She pointed him to the stools when he moved to help, so he settled in between Jeremy and Laila. Jean saw the clock and considered apologizing for keeping them all up after midnight when they had practice in the morning, but Cat poked her boombox awake before he could decide what to say. Jean started to reach for the bandage on his arm before dropping his hand to his thigh.