Total pages in book: 94
Estimated words: 90098 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 450(@200wpm)___ 360(@250wpm)___ 300(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 90098 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 450(@200wpm)___ 360(@250wpm)___ 300(@300wpm)
We found a semi-private corner once we’d gotten our food, and my stomach tightened with hunger. I was gonna have to eat slowly.
“You gonna tell me what’s going on with your man?” I asked.
I emptied a packet of sugar into my coffee and removed my beanie.
“Well, at least this one hasn’t cheated,” she drawled. “He just wants to change everything about me, so I thought I’d do him a favor and end things tomorrow.”
I shook my head, half relieved I didn’t have to bother with that shit. Fucking obviously, my mind went straight to Trace, but two things could be true at once. I could crave human touch and company and still know better than to seek it out. Because I would eventually be the jagoff who got dumped for being low-hanging fruit.
“Speaking of,” she went on. “As soon as he moves out, I want you to come stay with me. I’ll get you allergy meds.”
I smiled but shook my head again. She was sweet, but I couldn’t. And her four cats weren’t the problem, even though I was allergic. Both Ma and I were, though it was only a problem for her because she was obsessed with cats. I wasn’t.
“I appreciate it, but—”
“Here we freaking go,” she groaned. “Always with the ‘I appreciate it, but’ bullshit. When are you gonna let your family help you, Ben? Seriously.” Oh, she wasn’t done. In the meantime, I bit into my burger and chewed slowly. “I understand why you protect Alvin from these problems. I even understand downplaying them to your ma, ’cause—I mean, yeah.”
I grinned and took a sip of my coffee.
“You think this is funny?” She got a bit of an attitude there. “I text with Garrett sometimes, you know. You never stay at his place either.”
What the fuck? “Because his wife hates me,” I said in my defense. “She thinks I’m somehow gonna drag Garrett down.”
“Well, what the fuck does she know,” Angie huffed. “Whatever. You need to let us help you, Ben.”
I wasn’t getting into this with her again. All traces of humor vanished, and I couldn’t help it. My fuse ran short.
“Quit pretending like you don’t already,” I told her. “I’m sure I’ll end up on your couch at some point, but you gotta understand that my willingness to keep fucking breathing is entirely tied to my son.” I watched her face fall, which stole some of the fight in me. “I’m sorry, Angie, but my self-worth gets boosted by accomplishments and feeling like I contribute, and right now…” I sighed heavily and set down my burger.
I couldn’t make eye contact anymore, and a chunk of self-hatred settled in my stomach. It was fucking mortifying. At this rate, I’d turn fifty in a little over a year and be a goddamn nobody.
Fuck.
I scrubbed a hand over my mouth as the ringing noise in my ears came back. So did the tightness in my chest.
My eyes burned, and I clenched my jaw and pushed back my emotions. I had to get that job. I had to. I needed one chance. With a full-time job, I could at least pay for more frequent therapy sessions for Alvin. It would help Rose with what she was trying to do, and if we could move—if I could get Alvin on board…
Ma’s words from the other day whooshed by in my head, and although I couldn’t keep myself happy by hoping my old man was suffering in hell, I had no problems directing some bitterness his way. That dumb son of a bitch was to blame for that apartment. He’d fallen for a shady builder’s scam about how those apartments were going to be the luxury homes of retirees. It was a block of two-flats, and how he’d even for a second believed there would be doormen…? All kinds of shit had been promised in the brochures. Personal doorman, security, a park in the back that was reserved for residents only… And a rent to go with all those amenities.
He and I hadn’t been on speaking terms since I’d come out, so I hadn’t gotten a chance to see those brochures until they’d signed the lease. Besides, I’d been balls deep in losing Lindsey and guiding Alvin through that grief.
We’d been much better together as exes. Well, once she’d found a way to forgive me for lying to her for so many years.
She’d even defended me when my father and a couple of my uncles told me what God thought.
And none of this matters, including Dad’s dumbass decision to move in to that apartment.
It all boiled down to Alvin. He couldn’t leave. After Lindsey died, Alvin had lost his footing, and I had already been struggling to make rent.
If anyone was to blame, it was me. Because I was the one who’d sent Alvin to Ma—and my old man. He could hate me all he wanted, but he’d been a good grandfather, and they’d taken Alvin in. Temporarily, of course. My plan had been to get a better job, stay at a friend’s place, save up money, and… But then Dad had kicked the bucket too. Heart attack in the middle of the day.