Total pages in book: 59
Estimated words: 57201 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 286(@200wpm)___ 229(@250wpm)___ 191(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 57201 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 286(@200wpm)___ 229(@250wpm)___ 191(@300wpm)
“I never realized I gave birth to a man that was so damn sanctimonious that he couldn’t see the forest for the trees.”
“Sanctimonious? That’s rich coming from a mother who chose one son over another one,” I growl.
It hurts me when Mom recoils from me. Shit. I didn’t mean to let my anger out. I thought I could contain it. It has eaten away at me so much, however, that it is impossible to hold in.
“I never realized what a bastard you could be,” Mom says, pain steeped in her voice.
I should feel like the victim here and not the bad guy, but I hear the pain in her voice, and I hate it.
“Mom—”
“I get you’re upset with all of us, and you have the right to be—to a point. Believe it or not, I wanted to tell you. I wanted to reach out to you and tell you that you were fucking up. I even tried. Jeff and I both came out to see you, Jake. Do you remember?”
“Mom—”
“We told you that you were making a mistake. We told you that Katie needed you and wanted to talk to you. Do you remember what you said to us, Jake?”
I blow out a frustrated breath. Suddenly, I feel like I’m being placed on trial. I remember that day. I even remember what I said and while it was true, maybe it wouldn’t have been if I had known the whole truth.
“I told you that Katie and I just wanted different things out of life and that all we kept doing by talking was hurting one another,” I mumble, pushing my hand through my hair.
“And what did I tell you, Jake?”
“You said if I loved Katie that I could still have her and live my dream. It didn’t have to be all or nothing. I could compromise. You would have chosen that with Dad, and he wouldn’t let you.”
“Exactly.”
“Fuck, Mom–”
“And you threw my life up to me and let me know how you always felt about my choices. How was I supposed to tell you anything after that, Jake? It was clear you had plans, and just like your father, there was no room for Katie or a baby in your life.”
I think back on that day, and she’s right. I was pissed off and frustrated. I felt like they were coming at me like I was the bad guy. I lashed out—which seems to be the way I react when I feel like I’m cornered. I definitely felt that way when they were there. I hurt Mom. I knew it, and I hated it. Maybe that’s why I remember the exact words I said, because I regretted them the minute they left my mouth.
“I’m not you, Mom. I’m never going to be happy working my ass into the ground trying to survive in a dead-end job, just to raise kids and have no life of my own. It would kill me. Hell, it would kill any good memories I still have left of Katie. I don’t want a home in Macon. I don’t want kids weighing me down and a damn picket fence around a house that I don’t even want to lay down and sleep in. I am not that man. I am not you. I refuse to settle my whole life and never try to achieve my dreams. I’m going to chase after the life I want. I’m going to do this. I choose this. I’m tired of feeling guilty because Katie doesn’t want me to be happy and is trying to use my own damn family against me to drag me down.”
Before, those words sounded harsh. Now, knowing everything that was going on, they mock me and cut me up inside–they have since the moment I talked to my fucking brother.
“Things might have been different if I knew that Katie was already pregnant with my child,” I growl.
“Maybe, and maybe you would have hated all of us and blamed us for not getting to achieve your dreams. Maybe we were wrong. We all worried, and there wasn’t a day that we didn’t wrestle with our decision, but I’m just saying the world is not black and white. Every choice has a consequence. We’re facing that now with you, but you’re going to have to face the fact that your words and actions were the catalyst to all of this. It’s not that one of us is solely to blame here, Jake. All of us are—including you.”
“My hands are clean, Nanny!” Lennon yells, running back into the kitchen, waving his hands around like that would show her how clean they are. I don't have much to smile about, but that almost makes me want to.
Mom takes a trembling breath, and I do my best to ignore the unshed tears shining in her eyes and how it hurts to see them. “Then, I guess I better get to making the pancakes, shouldn’t I? Jake, would you like to fry the bacon?”