Total pages in book: 116
Estimated words: 108905 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 545(@200wpm)___ 436(@250wpm)___ 363(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 108905 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 545(@200wpm)___ 436(@250wpm)___ 363(@300wpm)
As we ate, me alternating my own bites between the ones I squished up for Olivia, we talked about more cheerful subjects, like a boutique hotel he was eyeing in Paris—“So, the girls won’t have to travel so far to visit their mother”—and how many undeserving actors, actresses, and shows had won awards lately for movies and television shows we’d hated. I told him what I knew about Neil’s foundation, though I hadn’t really cared much about it since it had opened. All I wanted to hear was that it was still operating appropriately, nothing had gone horribly wrong, and, then, to never set foot in that building again. It was too painful to remember that stupid phone call, the one that had started all of this.
“Do you think, due to circumstances…” El-Mudad began hesitantly.
I knew what he wanted to ask. “No. Neil loves the foundation. He worked too hard for it. It obviously hasn’t been on his mind for the past few months, but someday, it will be, again. And it’ll be good for him to have something. You know, to, like, live for?”
“He has much to live for,” El-Mudad said, reaching over to wipe a string of drool from Olivia’s chin with her bib.
Yeah, well, try being on this side of the table and tell me that, again. It wasn’t his fault. People always tried to say the “right” thing to be comforting, but there wasn’t any right way to comfort someone going through this.
After dinner, El-Mudad helped me put Olivia to bed. His magnetic charisma worked like a charm on babies, too. When he was in the room, she didn’t even see me. And, if she did, she didn’t look impressed. That’s how distracting his very presence was; everything else seemed bland by comparison.
The bedtime routine seemed to go a lot faster than it usually did, and I realized it was my nerves giving me that impression. I had no idea what he thought I expected from him tonight. I didn’t know what I expected, either.
We closed the door to Olivia’s room and stood in the hall, just looking at each other.
“Are we Emir and Chloe tonight?” I asked, swallowing the lump of anxiety in my throat. “Or are we ourselves?”
“It wasn’t something Neil and I discussed,” El-Mudad said, rubbing his stubbled jaw with one hand. “What do you need, Sophie?”
“I need…” I closed my eyes. Was it cheating on Neil if I said I needed to be myself? To be Sophie, the woman who hadn’t been intimate with another person in so long she didn’t know if she could, anymore? Or would he understand when I confessed to him? Because I would confess to him, no matter what occurred in his absence, and no matter what blanket permission he might grant in hindsight.
“Sophie,” I decided. “I just… I need someone to hold me. And to love me and just tell me…”
I looked down at my hands, and the tear drop that had run off my cheek to splash there.
“Sophie,” El-Mudad said quietly. I looked up, and his big brown eyes held nothing but sympathy and… “I love you.”
I closed my eyes. “Thank you.”
“It isn’t pity. You have given yourself to me, and you’ve asked for nothing in return. That isn’t common, especially among the people I’m used to associating with.”
“The first time Neil told me he loved me,” I began, unable to keep the tremor from my voice, “he said he knew I didn’t want anything from him. I think that was why he could love me. But, now…”
“But, now, you want something,” El-Mudad finished for me.
I nodded. “I want him back.”
“He will come back to you. You are his north star. He cannot find his way without you.”
I took a breath that shook from the bottom of my lungs.
El-Mudad put out his hand. “No expectations, Sophie. But let me love you. You’re aching inside.”
In more ways than one. Somehow, he’d twisted my agony into something bittersweet and hopeful. I put my hand in his.
We started toward the bedroom. Maybe if things were different, I wouldn’t have wanted him there with me, without Neil. As it was, I needed the familiarity and comfort of my own surroundings.
On a more practical note, how familiar was I supposed to get with another person with Olivia in the house? Though she slept through the night, now, she might need me. What if she woke while I was in bed with with El-Mudad? I would feel ashamed, but I didn’t know why. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, and she wouldn’t know what was going on, anyway. Still, I would feel like I had to answer to her for something.
No, I would feel like I had to answer to Emma.
“Wait.” I put my hand on El-Mudad’s arm to stop him, just for a second, until I could get my wits. “I think…I think I want to take a bath. If that’s okay?”