Total pages in book: 80
Estimated words: 75642 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 378(@200wpm)___ 303(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 75642 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 378(@200wpm)___ 303(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
The lack of confidence in his eyes when he looks at me makes me want to cry, and that pisses me off even more. The anger, however, is misplaced. I know just how much I was struggling when he showed up in St. Louis. Being willing to do anything for those kids, even if it meant shoving my pride to the side, was why I didn’t argue much at all when his plan to bring us all to New Mexico came rolling out of his mouth.
He doesn’t verbally clap back at me. He doesn’t bring up how much I struggled when two mouths to feed turned into four. He could easily throw all of that in my face, but for some reason, he doesn’t. I don’t know if he’s waiting, keeping this ammunition to himself so it can all come out at the exact perfect moment in order to wound me the most.
“I’m attracted to you,” he snaps, irritation coating the declaration as if it annoys him that he is.
“Tell me something I don’t know,” I snap. “I think our daughter proves it.”
“I’m also angry that you lied to me.”
He said as much the other night, even going so far as to admit that part of him hates me for what I did. I don’t have a leg to stand on where that’s concerned.
I’d like nothing more than to just walk away from him, but this is a conversation we’ve been needing to have for a very long time.
I take a deep breath. “And how long do you plan to punish me for it?”
His eyes dart between mine. “I don’t know if I would’ve been ready to be a father when you got pregnant.”
His confession sinks inside of me.
“I’m pissed at myself for who I was back then. I’m pissed for being angry at you, even knowing that about myself. I’m pissed for being a hypocrite because I know I’ve made selfish decisions before, too.”
I want to jump in his shit for the implication that I was being selfish, but honestly, I was back then. I wanted Sutton from the very beginning. I didn’t exactly get pregnant on purpose, but I also knew that night how careless I was with remembering to take my birth control. I knew it was always a possibility.
“Do you wish we’d never hooked up that night?” It’s an indirect way of asking if he wished Sutton wasn’t around. As much as I’d like to be sure about his answer, honestly, I’m not. So much hinges on his response.
His head immediately shakes. “Never. I don’t know how it’s even possible to love someone so quickly, but I’d do anything for Sutton and the boys. Somehow it’s as if they filled a void inside of me that I didn’t even know was missing.”
Sutton. The boys.
I haven’t been included in that declaration. It doesn’t go unnoticed.
“What now?” I whisper, trying my best to keep my pain at bay.
Him loving the kids needs to be enough. If they’re loved, then they’re protected, and I have to be okay with that.
“I have Cerberus, and they’re the most supportive group of people. Parenting isn’t easy, but there’s an entire team of people who want those kids to grow up to be happy, healthy adults. That makes it easier.”
“You’re talking like I’m not going to be around.”
His eyes widen. “No. What? Fuck no, Mila.”
That big hand of his runs back over the top of his head. “Is that what you’re thinking?”
I shrug, my nose burning, the threat of tears becoming more real.
I swear if I start crying in the middle of a place that should be heaven for me, I may never forgive myself. I’m regretting keeping my mouth shut on the drive here. We had hours of time to fill it with all of this shit and we squandered it.
“You mention the kids, which is great, but you don’t even mention where I fit into any of it.” I take a deep, fortifying breath before making the next confession, hoping that it isn’t playing my hand too early. “A part of me worries that you’re gearing up to try and take them away from me.”
He steps in closer, his finger curling under my chin when I attempt to look away from him.
“You’re a package deal,” he says, his voice soft and sure. “You’re a great mother. The thought never even crossed my mind. I think I want that package deal.”
I swallow, unwilling to read anything more into what he’s telling me. Assumptions tend to get me into trouble.
“But I’m not the only one involved here,” he continues when I don’t speak.
“Everything has happened so fast,” I whisper.
I don’t just mean him showing up and starting to make decisions in my life. Losing my sister, becoming responsible for two little boys, the threat of Keres MC—all of it is just too much. I’m surprised I’ve made it this long without breaking down.