Total pages in book: 58
Estimated words: 56257 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 281(@200wpm)___ 225(@250wpm)___ 188(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 56257 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 281(@200wpm)___ 225(@250wpm)___ 188(@300wpm)
“It’s nothing,” I say.
“Since then, I’ve heard it two more times. What is it?”
If it wasn’t for the Rust stuff, I might snap at him for snooping and eavesdropping, but how can I? I feel defenseless against this. Mom told me not to let them find out. Ever. I’ve just broken her rule, my perfect mother’s rule.
“It’s…” I think of Rust in the bathroom, probably thinking I’m crazy. So much for life just slowing down. “Please.”
“Please, what?” Brad stands and walks in front of me, forcing me to look at him. “Explain. I’m sorry to spring it on you like this, but you have to. For me.”
The last part is so full of emotion, so desperate. My throat is still tingling from what I did with his best friend. I have to tell him.
“After Mom died, I found a DVD under my bed.”
When I’m done, he sits on the bed, releasing a long breath and shaking his head. “So these were, what, rules to live your life by?”
“She wanted me to be pure and modest,” I say, but I can’t feel the thrill of pride I once did. Throughout high school, when my friends were partying, I could always clutch onto that little glint of morality. Not anymore.
“I heard her call you a slut,” he says softly. “That’s not right.”
“She… she was just doing her best,” I snap.
“Mary…” Brad shuffles up the bed and puts his hand on my arm. The gentle, loving touch feels wrong after what Rust and I did. Every inch of my body is still thrumming from Rust’s release. “I have to tell you something. You’re old enough now, and it’ll put everything into perspective. Mom didn’t have a heart attack. The truth is—”
“She took her own life,” I cut in because I’ve always known, on some level. I’m crying again, but these aren’t the happy tears when Rust smiled and spun me around. “That’s it, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” Brad croaks. “Dad made me promise not to tell you.”
“Dad is the world’s biggest scumbag!” I yell, leaping to my feet, thinking of Mom with her halo of bright hair and the smile that never faded and the confidence that never waned, not once. “Just… just get out, okay? Just leave.”
“Mary…”
“Please, just leave me alone!”
I can’t be with anybody. Not Brad. Not Rust. My vision is blurred with tears as I push Brad toward the door and slam it behind him. Then I run to the bed, sit down, and crumple into a fit of sobs. I can’t think. All I see is Mom. All I feel is her warmth as she pulls me against her. All I hear is the little voice in my head saying, “This isn’t healthy. Stop watching those videos. There’s something wrong with that woman.”
The bathroom door whines open. Rust walks toward me, but I know if I touch him, I’ll never let him go. It’s hopeless—doomed. How can we be together?
“I’m not really in the mood right now,” I hiss.
He stops, looking down at me with a confused frown.
“That’s all this is, right? A quick fuck?”
He opens his mouth and then glances at the wall. That’s right. I need to be quiet. Brad’s going to wonder who I’m speaking to. Hell, I should have thought of that earlier, with the rooms being so close by. That just drives it home. We can’t even speak if Brad’s anywhere nearby. This is hopeless. It is as doomed as all those hours of watching Mom’s video, poisoning my brain with the woman I love most.
“You better go,” I whisper, rubbing my cheeks.
“Mary—”
“Just go.”
If he stays, I’ll sink into him. I won’t move. I won’t let him move. I’ll keep him there and clutch onto him, weeping, allowing myself to feel the sadness that has been stacking up for so long. If it weren’t for Brad, I would, but we can’t.
He turns, leaves the room, and quietly shuts the door. “You’ve known I was crazy since you were fifteen,” Mom’s voice points out in that condescending way. I never heard her speak like that in real life; I only heard it in the video. “You can see it in my eyes, hear it in my voice, and the awkward way your brother would talk about me. You’ve known.”
I lie on the bed, bury my face into a pillow, and scream until I feel like my lungs are going to burst.
CHAPTER
NINETEEN
RUST
I stand backstage before the press conference in the corner, thinking about yesterday. Marquis and my manager linger nearby but don’t speak to me. They can sense my dark mood. Marquis should be happy. At yesterday evening’s training, after the new joy at the baby news, then the darkness after, I went hard. I sparred hard like I had a death wish. For the first time since camp started, I did well, but only by harnessing the goddamn agony.