Total pages in book: 126
Estimated words: 122030 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 610(@200wpm)___ 488(@250wpm)___ 407(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 122030 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 610(@200wpm)___ 488(@250wpm)___ 407(@300wpm)
“This, what?”
“Well, do you want to be with Lawson?” She looks like she’s holding back bile just getting the words out. It’s sort of painful to watch.
“No. I don’t think so. It just sort of happened.”
She winces, nodding before I’m tempted to traumatize her with the details. “What about Fenn?”
If imagining me with Lawson makes her physically ill, I suspect that entertaining the idea of Fenn remaining an active part of my life nearly kills her.
“He knows what he did hurt me, and he really has tried to make it right. He showed up here last night to come clean and finally admit what happened at prom. And now he’s gone and turned himself in. Might go to jail for what he did. And I know I’m supposed to be angry at him for that night, blame him for leaving me there and not telling me it was him, but I also wouldn’t be alive if he hadn’t shown up. I would have drowned.” My throat clamps shut. “Like Mom.”
“I get it. I feel the same way. I want to hate him, but it’s hard,” she admits, albeit grudgingly.
“I don’t hate him at all. I’ve tried to, and I just can’t. I’m stuck,” I confess. “I can’t move on from him and I’m so completely miserable all the time. He screwed up and he’s been paying for it. But I’m paying for it too.”
Fenn’s greatest fault was trying to be everything to everyone. Protecting me and his best friend, who happened to find each other on opposite ends of a situation Fenn was unlucky enough to stumble into. He tried to do the right thing the wrong way. It was a mistake, and he’s admitted as much.
“He hurt me, but I hurt him too. And I knew what I was doing when I did.”
Sloane goes silent for a moment.
“Okay,” she finally says. “Let me give you the benefit of my experience. Holding a grudge will never bring you comfort. It’s not going to heal whatever wound his betrayal created. I thought I could write RJ off, but all I did was drive myself crazy. At some point, if hating them is hurting you, you have to try forgiveness.”
“I want to forgive him.” I bite my lip. “But doesn’t that make me weak?”
“No,” she says, her voice emphatic. “Not if the apology is sincere. Showing grace to someone you believe deserves it takes serious guts. Even more courage to give them another chance.”
My teeth dig deeper into my lower lip. “It still feels like a weakness to me. Why am I always so quick to forgive people? Like, how many chances did I give Gillian this spring before I finally realized she was a snake? And even now, I can pretend to hold a grudge against her, but I don’t. I told her off at a party, did I tell you that?”
“No, you didn’t.”
“It felt good in the moment,” I admit. “I felt righteous. And then the next day, I felt bad about it.” I laugh at myself. “I can’t even stay pissed at a girl who whispered behind my back when she was supposed to be my best friend. I wish I was stronger about that sort of stuff. Like you.”
“You are strong,” she insists.
“Sure,” I scoff.
“Casey. Look at me.”
I force myself to meet her eyes.
“You’re as strong as I am, maybe even more so. And you don’t need to be like me. We’re different people. You seem to think that my version of strength is the only one. That you’re supposed to be tough and thick-skinned, hold grudges, tell bitches off at parties…”
I snicker softly.
“I will fight my enemies to the death. That’s my strength. But yours? You will kill your enemies with kindness.”
“That sounds so pathetic,” I grumble.
“It’s not. It’s pretty fucking admirable. Kindness is a strength. Compassion, like Dad said. Forgiveness. Your version of strength is patience and resilience. Stop shying away from it. I wish I had even half of your softness.” She sounds embarrassed now. “I’ve been trying to be softer lately. Not sure it’s working.”
Her words give me pause. I’ve always viewed Sloane as impenetrable, this force of nature stronger than any storm. Someone who faces down the world and never flinches. But if I think about it, she has softened a little since meeting RJ. Become a little more tolerant of others. Less rigid. Yet no less formidable. I’d still pick her first in dodgeball over anyone.
“There’s nothing wrong with being gentle.” She throws her arm over my shoulder and brings me in to lay my head in her lap. “Or a little vulnerable sometimes. Doesn’t mean you aren’t strong. I don’t know anyone else who could have endured the year you’ve had and still be standing. Never forget who you are.”
“Okay. And who am I?” I ask with a smile.