Total pages in book: 80
Estimated words: 77127 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 386(@200wpm)___ 309(@250wpm)___ 257(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 77127 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 386(@200wpm)___ 309(@250wpm)___ 257(@300wpm)
He placed it in my arms. It felt how I imagined a real baby to feel. It was a boy, dressed in a light blue, footed sleeper.
He continued, “So we can set it to go off at certain times. That way we can get used to getting up and shit, so it’s not such a shock when it really happens.”
I looked down at its realistic face with creamy skin and perfect bow lips. “Wow. I didn’t even know this kind of thing existed. It feels and looks just like a real baby.”
“And it’s not even on. The limbs move, too.” He took it from me and pressed a button that was located at the back of the doll. It started moving its arms and legs and even made cooing sounds.
“That’s freaky, Rush. You look like you’re holding an actual baby.”
“Except our baby will be a fuck of a lot cuter.” He winked.
Our baby.
His words were like a punch to the gut.
“It burps and a bunch of other stuff,” he said, continuing to hold it as he stood across from the bed. “Anyway…I thought maybe it was too soon. But when you said you’d been up thinking, I thought maybe the sooner we could get used to the idea, the better.”
He was rocking it gently, and I didn’t even know if he realized how naturally that seemed to be coming to him. The sight of this strong, tattooed god of a man rocking this baby doll was just about the best and most bittersweet thing I’d ever witnessed.
Oh, Rush. You’re killing me here.
My heart was breaking because a part of me knew that this might be the only way I could ever experience this with him.
The next day, I sat in my father’s living room in Queens and watched the man who was my hero, my strength, break down in front of me.
All of the lights were off. We hadn’t even noticed when daylight ended and never bothered to turn them on. I’d never seen my father cry—until now. And to think that I had caused it. This was just a prelude to the feelings of pain I would be experiencing soon.
For the past hour, I’d not only told him I was pregnant but ended up confessing the unthinkable situation I’d gotten myself into with Rush’s brother.
“Say something,” I said to him. My father was just sitting there in his NYPD uniform for the longest time with his head between his hands.
He finally spoke. “I just feel so badly for you, honey. I don’t know what to say that’s going to make you feel better. You’re just going to have to go through all of this. And you have to face Rush.”
“You’re not mad at me? Because I feel like I’ve completely disappointed you.”
“Mad? No. A little sad, maybe. I know this is going to make your life a lot more difficult. And I honestly wish I had a solution on how to handle Rush, but I just don’t. You have to tell him. And you need to do it soon.”
The thought of that filled me with dread as I whispered, “I know.” I lay my head down on a pillow. “I don’t know how I’m gonna deal with everything when Rush is gone. He’s been such a source of strength for me.”
My father got up and poured us each a glass of water.
He sat back down next to me and said, “Let me tell you a story about your mother that you don’t know.”
I sat up and gulped down some of the water. “Alright…”
“Even from the beginning, when she was pregnant with you, I always had a strange inkling that she might not stick around. Don’t ask me how I knew…it was intuition, maybe. She just wasn’t cut out for parenting. And you know…I was scared shitless when I found out about you, too, in the beginning. Terrified, even. But, baby girl, when you came out and I took one look at your face…all of that fear, it transformed into something different. The fear was no longer about whether or not I could love you. It was about protecting you, keeping you safe because I loved you so very much. I still do.”
“Thank you, Dad.”
“But here’s the thing…I quickly learned that there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you and that I really didn’t need anyone else. The strength was within me all along. You brought it out in me. And I know that no matter how hard this seems, you have the same strength in you. You don’t need Rush or anyone. You will be okay, Gia. Your son or daughter will be okay, too. And he or she will help you find that strength.”
“I hope so. I hope you’re right.”
“But you know what else you have that I didn’t?”