Total pages in book: 178
Estimated words: 170884 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 854(@200wpm)___ 684(@250wpm)___ 570(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 170884 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 854(@200wpm)___ 684(@250wpm)___ 570(@300wpm)
It was the severity of those words, the hidden pain in his voice, that made me see the truth for what it was. Van was right. I wasn’t the only victim of my father’s cruelty.
We didn’t speak about it often, but when we did, I felt myself expel the anger inside me, float a while with the lightness in the air, and tonight, I needed it.
He handed me the blunt and I took it, licking my lips and holding it between my fingers. “Do you remember what you did to me? What he made you do to me?”
I put the smoke to my lips and breathed it in, closing my eyes, basking in the warm glow of my high.
With his back to the sofa, Van nodded. His voice was whisper soft. “Yes.”
I took another hit and my mind turned heady. I didn’t mean to ask what I did. “Do you want to do it again?”
Complete honesty. “No, but I think about it sometimes.”
Same. And I was disgusted with myself.
And this was why we were as close as we were. Nobody understood. Only we comprehended the confusion child sex abuse caused, the puzzlement of being groomed by a family member and not knowing it was happening, and finally, the heartbreaking experience of occasionally experiencing pleasure at the hands of somebody you shouldn’t.
Of course, we weren’t to blame. We didn’t know any better. We were just kids, and the person we were meant to trust betrayed us. He betrayed us all.
No wonder we were as fucked up as we were.
“Do you want children?”
Van scoffed. “Fuck, no.”
Fair enough. Only one of my brothers had a child, and he stayed as far away from that child as possible, scared to mess him up as much as we had been.
“I do,” I revealed, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “I did anyways.”
He leant back and the back of his head touched my shoulder. “Then you’ll have kids, Ting-a-Ling. No biggie.”
I ran my fingers through his hair fondly, and we returned to a comfortable silence.
No. It wasn’t meant to be.
As much as it saddened me, children weren’t for me.
And I would just have to live with the bitter jealousy that she got the child that was by all intents and purposes, mine.
Chapter Four
Lexi
I was in the kitchen when someone knocked at the front door. Molly put down the wooden spoon she was using to stir the pasta sauce and wiped her hands on a tea towel. “I’ll get it.”
God, she was a good girl. I was grateful to have her in my home, in my life. I hoped she knew how much I appreciated her. Lord knows, I reminded her as often as I could.
The second I heard the door open, Molly uttered an amused, “Geez, you look like shit. Long flight?”
And I had to quell the urge to squeak from excitement. Rushing forward in my Pikachu slippers, I saw him and threw my arms up, beaming, “You’re home!”
Happy was scowling at Molly. “Ease up, lil bit.” Then he came forward, sparing a tired smile. “Hey, beautiful.” He was slow to wrap his arms around me, and when he did, I felt the weight of him settle on me, squeezing me tight. My hands came up to grip the back of his jacket, and I held him as firm as he did me. Rubbing my back, he pulled away but only slightly to look down at me through smiling eyes. “How you doing?”
I looked up into his weary face and my smile fell. “Are you okay?”
With his sigh, he closed his eyes, and his thick lashes looked remarkably long against his cheeks. After a moment, he ran a hand down his face and shook his head. “Don’t worry about it.” Then he forced another smile. “I want to hear about you. How’s my boy?”
Something didn’t seem right. Happy had been away for a week, and that was a long time for us. Usually a day or two didn’t go by without us seeing each other. At least once a week, he, Nikki, and Dave came by for dinner. I was curious as to why he seemed so glum.
I jerked my chin at him, softening my smile. “Why don’t you see for yourself? He’s been asking about you.”
Happy’s smile widened before he kissed my cheek. “Be right back.” Before he went to A.J.’s room, he pulled something out of his jacket pocket and took it with him down the hall.
And then I heard the little monster exclaim, “Uncle Happy!”
This was followed by laughter and muted conversation. Molly and I exchanged an amused glance before getting back to our assigned tasks. We were having a full house tonight, and that meant lots of food, lots of conversation, and lots of laughter. On the menu was spaghetti and meatballs, and I made this knowing it was Happy’s favorite.