Total pages in book: 93
Estimated words: 88207 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 441(@200wpm)___ 353(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 88207 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 441(@200wpm)___ 353(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
A couple of hours later, people started leaving. Mark, Bree, and Hailey first, then others trailing after. Jake was saying goodbye to his friends when Jesse hugged and kissed me. “My little boy is growing up,” he teased, and I rolled my eyes.
Dane wrapped an arm around him and said, “Stop being a dork,” before telling me bye.
Bonnie and her friend—boyfriend? I wasn’t sure what to call him—were the last to leave. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” she said to Jake, who nodded before shaking Bruce’s hand.
“Oh, it makes me so happy to see the two of you together.” Bonnie hugged me.
“I like it too,” I replied, which was maybe a silly way to answer, but it was me.
When they were gone, Jake closed the door behind them and dropped his forehead against it. This day had been a lot for him. Not only had he been public with a boyfriend for the first time, but his mom had brought someone home too. “Jake.”
“I should start cleaning this mess up.” He went into the kitchen. I followed him, not sure what to do, what to say. This was all so different for me as well. All I knew was Jake gave me so much, I wanted to give him something in return, wanted to comfort him and be there for him the same way he always was with me.
He was standing at the sink, and I stepped behind him, wrapped my arms around him, and pressed my cheek against his back. “It’s okay to be confused or not to know how to feel. To be overwhelmed or worried or protective. Whatever it is you’re feeling, that’s okay.”
He sighed. “It’s stupid. I was already letting today get in my head and was angry at myself for that. Then Mom showed up with Bruce, and I… Christ, it twisted me up. And it shouldn’t. I know it shouldn’t. I’m a grown man. Why do I care if my mom dates someone? I want her to be happy, but then I worry about her, and it’s always been my job to be there for her, to protect her, but that doesn’t mean by not wanting her to have a life or move on. She’s a grown woman too and— Fuck. Sorry. I’m sure you don’t want to hear all that.”
“Hey…” I pulled back and turned him around. “Yes, I do. I want to hear whatever you need to say. That’s what a relationship is. It can’t only be you being there for me. It’s a two-way street.”
He closed his eyes, rubbed a hand over his face. “Argh. I’m being ridiculous. I’m fine. Today was nice…being with you.”
“Um, no. That’s not going to work. I’m not going to let you change the subject like that.” So many things were forming in my head, so many truths about Jake that I’d never let myself see. He was a caretaker by nature, which I knew, but until then I hadn’t realized he never let anyone take care of him. That he kept going and pushed through and thought about everyone else above himself. “You don’t have to do this alone anymore. It’s okay to let go, it’s okay to need people. No one can be strong all the time. It’ll break you to try.”
He gasped as if my words had struck something inside him. As if they unlocked a door that maybe Jake hadn’t even known he had.
“It’s just… Fuck, you don’t know what it was like.”
I took his hand and led him to the living room. He sat down on the couch, elbows on his knees, leaning forward. I knelt on the floor in front of him. “What was like?”
“Life…growing up. Always being afraid that someone was going to hurt my mom. Coming home from school and seeing she’d tried covering up with makeup a bruise on her arm where he’s gripped her too tight, and feeling guilty I hadn’t been there. And it’s not her fault, it never was. She’s grown and changed so much, but back then he had her convinced she couldn’t make it on her own, that she needed him. Abusers do that; they get inside your head, and my dad was inside hers, constantly making her feel small and insignificant. All I ever wanted was to protect her, and once we left, I swore I always would. Now I don’t know how to turn it off. Logically, I can see she’s happy. Bruce seemed like a nice guy, but all I can think is…what if he hurts her and I don’t protect her again?”
His eyes were watery. My chest ached for him, my heart broke, and I wanted to fix it, fix it in ways I’d never wanted to mend something for anyone. He had the biggest heart and loved so completely…and I was fairly certain I loved him. But that wasn’t what mattered right then. The only thing that did was Jake. “It’s not your fault. None of it is. It was never your job to protect your mom, though it’s incredible that you did. All those things you’re feeling are normal. Who wouldn’t have them? But what matters is that at the core, all you want is Bonnie’s happiness. We never know what’s going to happen. We can’t read the future. Bruce might be great or he might not be. They might break up or live happily ever after. But none of that is on you. Loving people can’t be fixing everything for them.”