Total pages in book: 185
Estimated words: 180510 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 903(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 602(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 180510 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 903(@200wpm)___ 722(@250wpm)___ 602(@300wpm)
Josie laughs a little, her foot stroking mine. After a few minutes of silence, she maneuvers her body so that she’s facing me. “I feel like I have cancer, and I need to promise everyone that I’m not going to die. At the same time, I feel like the cancer is spreading, and I can’t stop it.” Her fingertips ghost along my lips, tracing them. “I feel like I need to tell adult Colten that I’m going to be fine. But … I think I could have told seventeen-year-old Colten that I’m really fucking scared of the cancer. And I feel like I’m going to disappoint everyone around.”
I kiss the pads of her fingers. “For the record, seventeen-year-old Colten wanted to save you from the unfair and cruel things in his life. He was just too stupid and scared to figure out how to do it.”
“And now?” she whispers.
“And now …” I close my eyes as if I can hide from the truth.
“Say it, Colten. Saying it doesn’t make it any more real. It doesn’t make you a coward. It shows your strength. Don’t ever run from the truth. The truth always wins.”
I open my eyes. “I’m terrified. I feel responsible. I feel out of control. So damn helpless.”
“Responsible? For the shooting?”
I think about that. “Maybe,” I murmur.
“Or do you feel responsible for saving me?”
This is so messed-up. Why should one feel guilty for saving another life? Maybe because I feel like she blames me.
“What would you have done? Had it been me?”
She blinks several times before giggling and rolling onto her back, tossing an arm over her face to hide it. “I would have saved you. I would have done absolutely anything to save you. Risked my own life. Cut the beating heart out of an innocent bystander to give it to you. I would have slayed all the dragons and lit the whole world on fire to save you.”
I can’t help my grin. “And if it were me experiencing what you’re experiencing, what would you do? WWJD?”
“I don’t know,” she whispers. “I’ve never known how to let you go. But you …” She rolls back toward me. All the laughter has died. Vanished smiles. “You let me go—”
“Josie—”
“Shh …” She presses her finger to my lips. “I know why you did it. The point is you did it. And you survived. I hope I don’t have to ever ask you to live without me, but you can.”
She’s so wrong. Maybe then, but not now. For seventeen years, I had hope, even if only a sliver. Living without her—truly without her—without even a sliver of hope, it would kill me.
“Are you going to catch a wild turkey for Thanksgiving?”
It takes a few seconds, but she grins. “Well, we know you’re not going to catch one. And you don’t catch them. They can actually run quite fast. I’d suggest a shotgun, muzzleloader, or if you’re feeling really confident, you can use a bow.”
This grin on my face feels good. I like our new conversation, and I like having a glimpse of my childhood friend again. So filled with facts about random things.
“Why do you have that smile on your face?”
“Because.” I peck at her lips.
“Because isn’t an answer. I just told you I feel like I have an incurable cancer and you’re grinning?”
“This is it, baby. All we have is now. This very moment. And in this very moment, you are with me. We are gloriously naked. And we’re discussing the best ways to hunt wild turkeys.”
“But in the next moment, I could—”
“Nope.” I kiss her again, biting her bottom lip and giving it a playful tug. “This moment. Not the one before, not the one after. Be present with me.”
“This moment,” she echoes.
I roll so she’s under me, so I’m nestled between her sexy legs. So I’m inside her. My eyes close while my lips press to her shoulder. “This one right here … it might be the very best moment.”
Josie kisses my ear and teases the nape of my neck.
Fuck cancer …
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Oncologists give cancer patients an idea, a possible timeline for the progression of their cancer. Odds of survival with treatment versus without treatment. Even the foremost experts in the field acknowledge there are so many variables that can change that timeline. Change everything.
I have no timeline. I’m not sure if it’s a blessing or a curse.
We celebrate Thanksgiving with my parents in Des Moines and make plans to spend Christmas with Becca and Reagan here in Chicago so he can have Reagan Christmas Eve at his house. Plans are good. I like plans.
I work.
Colten works.
We put a For Sale sign in my yard. It makes more sense for me to live with him since Reagan has a room there with a fantastic white cat mural.
The images continue to flesh out in my dreams. More voices. More everything. The cancer is spreading.