Total pages in book: 184
Estimated words: 186756 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 934(@200wpm)___ 747(@250wpm)___ 623(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 186756 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 934(@200wpm)___ 747(@250wpm)___ 623(@300wpm)
Again, Shepard tries to say something, something about it being his fault I think but again I tune him out and keep him pinned to the truck.
And keep my absolute focus on her.
I keep my absolute attention on the girl who’s looking at me like I’m her world.
“It doesn’t matter whose fault it was though,” she continues, keeping our gazes locked. “Because the thing is that even if the engagement was real, I would’ve broken it. I would’ve broken the engagement myself, Stellan, and that’s because I love you. I love you so much. I…” She fists her hands and widens her stance as if she’s preparing to fight. “And I’ve tried, okay? I’ve tried so hard to not. I’ve tried so hard to move on from you. Mostly because of how I acted because of it. How painful it has been to know that you don’t love me back. How you’ve hurt me and lied to me and just… broke my heart over and over. And because I always thought that if someone’s your destiny, they aren’t supposed to hurt you. They aren’t supposed to make you cry or torment you or make you pine or make you long. For them. I always thought if someone’s your destiny, they’re supposed to be perfect.
“But I realize now that that’s not true. The very reason you are able to hurt me and make me cry and make me long and pine for you is because you’re my destiny. It’s because what I feel for you is unmatched and unparalleled. What I feel for you, I’ve never felt that for anyone. And I know that I’ll never feel it for anyone either. And the very reason I’m able to hurt you and torture you is because I’m your destiny. And I also realize that we’re not perfect. God, we’re both so far from perfect that…” She chuckles, her eyes shining like heartbroken diamonds. “And that’s okay. Because you’re perfect for me and I’m perfect for you. Because the flaws you have match the flaws that I have. Because the things that make you good are the things that make me good. We’re a match, Stellan. I’m fire and you’re wildfire. We’re the same.”
A tear rolls down her cheek.
A lonely tear.
A tear that stokes the fire burning in my gut.
“And I know you think you have to give me every desire of my heart. I know you have to give me every dream that I’ve ever dreamed but… I don’t want that, okay? I don’t want it. I don’t want love. It’s okay if I don’t have it if I have you. I can live without love. I’ve done it my entire life. But I can’t live without you. I don’t know why you’ve pulled back from me this past week and I…”
She sighs again. “Maybe it has to do with the fact that you think Shepard’s the right guy for me but he’s not. You are the right guy for me. You. And I know you have a secret, okay? I know. I know there’s something inside of you that torments you. That gives you pain. That makes you have bad days and I know you have bad days even though you’ve never outright told me. I can read the signs. I know you think that the thing inside you makes you dangerous. It makes you unfit and wrong. But it doesn’t. God, Stellan, it does not, okay? Whatever it is, whatever secret you have, whatever it is you think is wrong with you, I can handle it. I can face it. I can deal with it. And I’ll do it with you, see. I’ll hold your hand and we’ll deal with it together. So let me, please. Let me be there for you. Let me be with you. Let me just love you, Stellan. And you don’t have to do anything in return. If you think love is childish or if love is a threat to your control or whatever it is that’s holding you back, just… just let it go. Just let me love you, okay? Because I will always love you. No matter what. Just let me love you.”
She’s crying.
Tears are streaming down her face as she stares at me with pleading eyes. As she stares at me like her life depends on it.
On me letting her love me.
And when I don’t say anything, when I stand there like a paralyzed moron, she goes, “God, Stellan, say something. Just… if you’re mad at me for lying to you, just say it. Just get it over with, okay? Just… So we can move on. So we can,” she licks her lips, “talk about this. Just let Shepard go.”
And I want to.
I really do.
I don’t even care what he did. I don’t care about his lies, his provocation. I don’t care that that’s what he’s done his entire life. Suddenly it seizes to matter.