Total pages in book: 38
Estimated words: 33557 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 168(@200wpm)___ 134(@250wpm)___ 112(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 33557 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 168(@200wpm)___ 134(@250wpm)___ 112(@300wpm)
I start crying my eyes out once again. She hugs me tight, her hand runs soothing circles on my back. I can cry my heart on her shoulder. That is what I do. This woman has always carried me and lifted me up from some of the lowest points in my life. This moment being the perfect example of that. The only judgment going on here is from me. Aunt Edith, of all people, has chosen to support me and love me. She could have easily thrown me away like the trash I am. Instead she chooses to keep supporting me. I really am lucky to have her on my side. I would be so lost without her.
Chapter 9 - Mikah
A week has passed since the incident. Try as I might, I still can't get Susana off my mind. I wake up early and skip work. I get in my car and make the long drive out to the cemetery. All is quiet and somber. I drive slow, my car snaking down the narrow lanes. Across the well manicured grounds a funeral is in progress. I stop next to an aisle. I get out of the car and carefully make my way down the Rosa of headstones. About midway I pause in front of two gravesites. I read the names and inscriptions there. Hopefully being here will help ease some of the guilt of this situation. If not, this is the least that I could do. I'm such a disappointment to them and to everyone. This never would have happened if Susana had been under someone else's care.
They are Susana's parents. My best friend and his wife. They are buried side by side. "Hey old buddy." I say trying to be jovial. My voice and greeting fail to match the mood that is inside of me. I shuffle my feet side to side. I feel awkward standing there. "Um listen. I'm sure you can probably see everything from where you are." I explain gesturing towards the sky. "You probably know what happened with Susana and I. So, I'm here to tell you I'm sorry about that." I say. Saying the words aloud makes this situation seem heavier and more permanent. I stare at the gravestones. It's almost as if I can feel their silent judgement from here. It presses on my chest like a weight. "Just wanted to apologize for that. I'll see you around buddy." I say awkwardly and walk away.
I get in my car and drive home. That didn't help as much as I thought it would. In fact it made me feel worse. I could feel their judgement from the grave. Maybe that part was in my head, but I know how I felt after my admission. I drive and like clockwork my thoughts drift to Susana. Maybe I should see her and check in on her. We haven't spoken since the incident. Maybe I should talk to her about what happened and get her thoughts and feelings on the incident? Maybe we can figure out how to deal with this together. I sigh and speed up a little. Who am I kidding? That's just a lame excuse for me to see her again. I can't believe I'm still thinking about that after what happened. Being close to her should be the furthest thing from my mind.
I already know what will happen. Once I'm near her I wont be able to keep my hands off of her. I know I'll want to be with her physically again and she will want that to. Still, I have always been in her life. I don't want her to feel abandoned. This situation has left me feeling confused in so many ways. I know what I can do! I'll call her Aunt Edith. She always gives reasonable advice and we have always been close when it comes to Susana. I could really use her wisdom right now. I pull over and grab my phone. I scroll through the contacts and select her name.
"Hey Edith. It's Mikah." I say pleasantly. She answered on the first ring. I'm taken by surprise when I hear the coldness in her voice. "Oh, hello." She says curtly. I feel a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. "I need your help with something. Susan has told you what happened between us, obviously. My question is what should I do about this situation? If I stay away from her I'm afraid that she will feel like I'm abandoning her. However if I continue to see her I run the risk of this forbidden love happening again. I don't know what to do. It seems like those are my only two options." I explain. I'm really counting on Edith to deliver some solid advice. I can't seem to make this decision on my own. My feelings keep getting in the way.