Series: Willow Winters
Total pages in book: 53
Estimated words: 50025 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 250(@200wpm)___ 200(@250wpm)___ 167(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 50025 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 250(@200wpm)___ 200(@250wpm)___ 167(@300wpm)
“Why do you say that?” he questions, his dark eyes on me holding nothing but compassion.
“My mother used me as a bargaining chip, my father did the same when I was old enough … the things he made me do I’ll never forget or forgive.” Glancing down I find I’m picking at my nails. Readjusting myself in the seat, I get more comfortable and pull the throw blanket up again. Practically hiding under it although my head remains poking out.
“He was your first boyfriend or—”
“No,” I answer honestly and I’m certain Damon is already aware. “Every lover was only a partner for sex. There’s no family to speak of other than my mother and father.” Trish and Kam and Kelly flick across my memory at the mention of family.
Damon comments as if reading my mind, “You had your friends, though. You’ve been close with them for longer than you were with James, haven’t you?”
“Yes. Yes, and I love them. It’s just a different love.”
Damon nods thoughtfully. “Well, that makes sense.”
I do love my friends; they know this game as well as I do. The lies and the depths to which others will go. And they’ve been there for me as I was for them. There was that … partnership, that dependency …
But then there was James.
And now … Zander is bringing up things he shouldn’t. He’s making me feel things he shouldn’t. I don’t know how to simply turn it off.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Damon presses.
“I had a drink and I shouldn’t have,” I answer mildly, picking at the throw.
“It’s me, Ella. You can talk to me.”
“What if I don’t want to talk?” I’m surprised by how blunt my answer is. He’s only trying to help and I’m more than aware of that. A part of me desperately wishes to tell him everything. But I don’t understand it. I don’t know why I can’t turn it off.
“You don’t have to talk to me, but you may want to when I’m not here and I’m here now. I’m worried, Ella,” Damon tells me and that anxiousness shines through. His teacup sits unattended on the table. It’s his tone that gave it away.
“I’m worried too,” I answer him and my throat goes tight. This time it’s me reaching for my cup and finding it empty.
“Grief is a ball in a box … is love like that too?”
“What do you mean?” he asks and his head tilts. For such a strong and dominating man, Damon has a tenderness about him. A thoughtful caring that coaxes out the conversation I want to keep buried inside. The one I’m not ready to have.
“I remember how much I love him, or loved,” I answer softly and then swallow thickly.
He’s gentle, but quick to answer, “You never stop loving someone. You can use it in present tense.”
Tears prick my eyes and I dab the corners of them as if they don’t fall recklessly at the memory of James.
I will always love him, but I love Zander … And dare I say I love him more?
Sniffling, I ignore the fact that the trickle of tears turns to sobs. My hand shakes too hard to gently dab so I bring my chin to my knees and press the throw blanket to my eyes instead.
“I’m not okay,” I admit to Damon.
“You may think you aren’t, but I’m looking at you and I know this is okay. I know you are going to get through this. Are you thinking things that aren’t okay? Ella, are you thinking about hurting yourself?”
Shaking my head I say, “I just miss him.” At the admission, surprise courses through me enough that the tears stop. I’m not thinking of that at all. When everything first happened, I was plagued with thoughts of driving down the highway and plummeting off a bridge. Or taking a long hot bath and drawing a knife down my wrists. Those ideas are what got me sent away to the Rockford Center, because I truly thought of suicide almost every waking hour. Just ending it.
“I don’t want to kill myself,” I tell Damon.
“Did you last night?”
“No.” My answer is easy and spoken only in a breath. “I was shocked and worried because I felt the loss all over again, but I didn’t want that.”
“When’s the last time you’ve had those thoughts?” he asks.
“Since before … since I was in Rockford.”
“I just want to be very clear and make sure I understand. Are you thinking anything that would be alarming? This is a safe place, Ella. We won’t make you go back or do anything outside of your comfort zone. Know that before answering this question. Are you thinking about hurting yourself at all or in any way?”
“No. But I’m thinking I wish I was with him.”
And that makes me feel like I’m cheating on Zander. Like I’m a truly horrible person. He deserves so much more and so much better than a woman who misses her first love. Who will always miss him.