Total pages in book: 31
Estimated words: 30148 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 151(@200wpm)___ 121(@250wpm)___ 100(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 30148 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 151(@200wpm)___ 121(@250wpm)___ 100(@300wpm)
“Okay, at the risk of getting too detailed here, do you really need to watch when you wipe, or can you just pop a squat, do a little shake, use a square, toss it into a bag, and move on your merry way?”
“I’m not a boy. I don’t have a dick that I can just shake in the wind.”
“Right,” I said slowly as I hugged her. “Because that is exactly what we do. We face the wind and shake—not too hard, though, because that’s something else completely.”
She elbowed me in the ribs. “I’m serious. What do I do?”
“You pee proudly—into the wind, apparently.”
“Be serious.”
“Hazel, do you want me to take you to the hole?”
She squirmed against my chest. “You’ll close your eyes?”
“I don’t need that kind of free show, Hazel.”
She moaned and then pulled back, taking a deep breath. “I drank a lot of water.”
“As humans should.”
“And I just need to get rid of it.”
“So you don’t die. Yes, human nature, I encourage that.” I was nearly shaking from trying not to laugh at her. “Let’s walk behind the tent. I’ll hold the flashlight and look the other way, I’ll even hum for you while you pee. Just promise me you make it in the hole, okay?”
She nodded. “Fine, yes, thank you. Okay, I’m sorry.”
“For going to the bathroom?” I grabbed her hand and reached for the flashlight, not even really thinking because it felt natural to guide her to our makeshift outhouse. I didn’t have time to overanalyze too much as we grabbed a bag, the TP, and the shovel and went to the back of the tent and our bathroom area.
“Nice holes.” I nodded.
“Not the time,” she snapped.
I grinned and handed her a bag. “Sorry, I always feel like compliments make people more at ease.”
Her glare said otherwise.
“Okay, then.” I guided her toward the hole, turned on my flashlight, and pointed it at her, then turned around. “Good luck.”
“Good luck?” Did she call me an idiot after that? Or was it the wind? “I’m just going to squat like it’s a workout I hate and go.”
“Yup.”
“Good.”
“Perfect.” I stared out at the ocean. “At least, it’s loud.”
“I can’t,” she whimpered a minute later. “I can’t.”
“Can’t squat?”
“I can’t pee. It’s stuck.”
My heavy sigh probably didn’t help. “Okay, just take a deep breath and release.”
“A deep breath and release? Release what? The Kraken? I can’t just release.”
“Stop panicking!” I didn’t mean to yell. “Sorry. Just a few deep breaths, count to ten.” I shivered; it really was getting cold. “And exhale.”
“Okay.”
“One.”
“Didn’t need you to actually do it out loud.”
“I misunderstood.”
I tried not to laugh and had to bite my bottom lip. “Okay, just count to three, then inhale, count to six, exhale, and free the water.”
“Not water,” she huffed. “I mean, it was water. It is. Son of a bitch. Why is this so hard?”
I sighed and started mumbling, “Row, row, row your boat—”
“That is in no way helpful.”
I paused then. “Gently down the stream.”
“Merrily,” she joined in, “merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.” We finished in sync.
I cleared my throat. “The harmony could use some work.”
“I was under duress,” she snapped. “Okay, done. I’m done. Thank you. I’m sorry, this is just…like what is it, even? Never mind. I’m grabbing the shovel.”
“And that, kids…” I still hadn’t turned around. “…is how I met your mother.”
“Pardon?”
“It was a joke."
“Hear the laughter?”
Crickets, all I heard was crickets—both figuratively and literally. “I’m going to have to say no.”
The sound of shoveling filled the air. “Okay. I think I put enough sand on it.”
I looked over my shoulder. It took an insurmountable level of self-control not to laugh. “So, you made a shrine?”
She pointed with the shovel in the cutest way possible at the giant mound of sand piled higher than the Sahara after a storm. “I wanted to make sure.”
“That your pee was worshiped? Because I gotta say, nobody is going to miss this, bears included. You may as well have put a sign on the sand that said: I peed here, honor me. Somewhere in there, I feel like there could be a very strategic OnlyFans account. I mean, if a girl can sell her farts, think of the possibilities.”
“Shut up.” Her smile was everything; it spread wide and free across her face. I took the shovel and poked it into the ground.
“I’m proud,” she said.
“That you were able to go to the bathroom?”
“No, that I dug a hole, crouched without pulling a muscle, and didn’t die of embarrassment, all within five minutes.”
I frowned. “Why be embarrassed? It’s just me.”
Her gaze flickered away from mine. Finding something interesting on the sand, maybe? “I know, it’s just…peeing in a hole isn’t like…attractive. And I think I’ve spent my whole life being that person, the one everyone thinks is too tall, too gangly, too different. It doesn’t help that I prefer books to people, but—”