Total pages in book: 138
Estimated words: 130307 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 652(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 130307 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 652(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
Wordlessly, she took a seat at the opposite end of the bench from me. She couldn’t have put any more distance between us if she tried. In fact, I was pretty sure half her ass was hanging off the edge of that bench, that if I lightly pushed against her shoulder, she’d topple off.
“Thank you for today,” I said, stretching my arm over the back of the bench as I reclined back. The tips of my fingers brushed her neck when I did.
She leaned forward to avoid the touch.
“It’s a beautiful park,” she said. “I can see why Jenny loved it so much.”
I nodded, heart squeezing under an iron fist at the mention of her name.
Everything in me wanted to shut down in that moment.
The hair on the back of my neck stood on end. My heart kicked in my chest. My lungs struggled for air.
But for the first time in five years, I didn’t grant my body’s wish to run, to avoid, to cease operating.
Instead, I forced a breath that seared my lungs on the way down.
And I talked.
“I came here once after she died.”
Chloe stiffened, tucking her hands under her thighs. She didn’t say anything, but her chin tilted toward me, and though I had my eyes on Ava playing with another little girl her age, I knew Chloe was looking at me.
“I sat right here on this bench and cried like a fucking baby,” I admitted, patting the wood. “It was maybe a week after she’d passed, when my uncle and some of my teammates’ wives were helping me with Ava while I tried to navigate my new life. Jenny’s mom was here, too. I think. Or was that a couple weeks later?” I paused, trying to recall. “To be honest, I don’t remember a lot about that time. Isn’t that so shitty?” I shook my head. “Ava was this beautiful baby, growing more and more every day, and I couldn’t even be fully present for it. I was a zombie.”
I swallowed, my throat constricting as I watched Ava laugh and try her hand at the monkey bars. She fell after the third one, but immediately sprang back up and started again.
“I wouldn’t have made it through without all the help I got, and yet I could barely thank the people who were helping me. I was practically mute. I don’t remember how or when it happened, but slowly, over the years, I started living again. I showed up for Ava as much as I could. I came back to my team and played harder than I ever had. My mentor helped me on that front, reminding me that when I didn’t have anything else, I had hockey. I had the Ospreys.”
I chewed the inside of my cheek for a moment, the emotion of those early years washing over me. Again, everything inside me begged to shut down, but I refused.
I wanted to share this with Chloe.
I needed to.
“When I came here, when I was crying so hard I could barely breathe… all I could think about was how Jenny meant more to me than I ever told her.”
The confession slammed into my chest hard enough to make me pause.
“We always said we were just friends. But we were best friends. And we shared the same bed. And we had fun… God, did we have fun. Without Jenny, I was too serious for my own good. But she reminded me to play, to live. I loved her, Chloe,” I said, finally turning to face her. Her eyes were glossy when I met them. “I loved her with my whole heart, and it kills me every day that I lost her. That Ava lost her. That maybe, if we would have been more careful, if she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant… she’d still be here.”
My nostrils flared, throat tightening.
“And then I feel like a monster because I know even if I could go back in time and choose that option — I wouldn’t. And neither would Jenny. Because then Ava wouldn’t be here.”
“Oh, Will…”
“Jenny would have been so much better at this than I am,” I continued on a laugh, shaking my head. “Motherhood would have just come easily to her. She never would have worried. She never would have stressed. With her, it would have just been another adventure.”
A moment of quiet passed between us, both of us watching where Ava was playing before I began to speak again.
This time, my voice shook.
“I miss her every day,” I whispered. “But I have another confession to make, one that might affirm what a terrible person I am.”
“You’re not a—”
“Because I miss her, I do,” I said, turning to face Chloe. “But I miss you more.”
Chloe’s face paled, her eyes wide, lips parting. “Me? But I’m right here.”
“No, you’re not. You haven’t been since…”