Total pages in book: 155
Estimated words: 145634 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 728(@200wpm)___ 583(@250wpm)___ 485(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 145634 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 728(@200wpm)___ 583(@250wpm)___ 485(@300wpm)
The thought sends a chill down my spine, but at the same time a feeling of ease flows through me.
A knock at my door steals my attention and draws my eyes up.
“Who is it?” I ask loud enough for whoever it is to hear.
“It’s me, boss,” Tony says from the other side of the door.
“Come on in,” I tell him.
My office door opens, and I push the picture frame away. He’s seen it already. I’m not hiding it; I just don’t like looking at Emma when I'm talking business.
Tony’s got a stack of mail in his hands, one envelope already open. He tosses the envelopes on the desk in front of me and hands me the one that’s open.
“Just some bills.” I take the one he’s opened and glance at it. “I didn’t know Ma wasn’t takin’ the chemo anymore.” There’s a bit of hurt in his voice, as if I kept it from him.
My body chills at his statement. “She’s doing something different.” He’s always calls her Ma. Growing up next to each other, growing up so closely, she was his mother, too.
He grew up with his grandma, but she passed away a few years ago. She was never really there for him anyway. It wasn’t her fault; she just wasn’t ready to take care of a young kid when she was so old. His mom up and left though, leaving his grandma no choice.
“They’re trying this new thing.” I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose and waving my hand in the air, trying to remember what they called the pills. “It’s still chemo, just in pill form. They said it'll help without making her body so weak.”
“Is it helping?” he asks.
“I don’t know.” It’s a cocktail. Another one. Just a different mixture of the same shit. I shake my head, trying not to think about it. Ma’s not looking any better. She says she’s not feeling any better either.
“I was talking to her yesterday,” Tony says casually. I know he's faking being relaxed though. He’s not looking at me; instead he’s looking out the window of the office. I know him well enough to know that he’s got something he doesn’t want to tell me. He’s holding back.
“Oh yeah?” I ask.
He takes a seat in the chair across from me. His body’s a little stiff, although he’s trying not to show it. It’s making me nervous. We share everything, and I don’t know what the hell’s going on with him right now.
“Yeah.” His fingers tap nervously against the armrest as he clears his throat. “She was asking about the special stuff.” The bastard has the nerve to look me in the eyes as he says that.
The special stuff. The shit that’s meant to make death fast and easy. Given in their sleep.
It means she’s asking for a way to die. My throat dries up instantly. I struggle to breathe, and I can’t even swallow. It’s not the first time she’s done this. I look away and out the window.
A few weeks ago she was asking me for it. Not outright, but just hinting around about it. I couldn’t take it. I don’t want her to talk like that. And I couldn’t let her do that to herself. I’m not letting her give up. She’s going to beat this.
“You better be careful, Tony,” I tell him slowly, finally facing him again. My voice is gruff. It almost cracks. I almost looked weak in front of him. I’ve never thought of him as an enemy, but right now, that’s exactly what he looks like to me. He throws his hands up in defense. Again he has the nerve to look me in the eyes. “I’m just telling you what she said.” He shakes his head somewhat, but there’s a look in his eyes I don’t trust. “I just wanted you to know.”
“I know.” My voice gets louder and I can’t help it, but my emotions are taking over. I hold onto the anger more than anything else. That’s the one I can handle.
I push back the sense of betrayal I feel over her for wanting to end it. For not trying. For being willing to leave me. I can’t take it. My voice cracks this time, but I don’t care as I say, “She’s gonna fight this.” My fist slams against the desk. “She’s going to beat this.” I feel unhinged, like a beast trapped in a cage, trying desperately to get out. Fighting just to live. Fighting for her to live.
“I hear you, Derek.” His voice is shaky, and his eyes glass over. “You know she’s my Ma, too.” The only thing that saves him right now is that he’s getting emotional. I stare at him for a long time without speaking, just breathing, trying to keep myself restrained. I hate that he even brought it up. What’s worse is I hate that it’s true. I don’t doubt him for a second. I’m sure she asked him for it.