Total pages in book: 91
Estimated words: 89978 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 450(@200wpm)___ 360(@250wpm)___ 300(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 89978 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 450(@200wpm)___ 360(@250wpm)___ 300(@300wpm)
I pause for a second, staring at the bar. “Because I need her, but not in that way.”
I’ve stopped timing my meditation. Time is not my friend. It’s nobody’s friend. I think time robs us of living. Time steals the moment. We don’t exist in time because time doesn’t exist. It can be that simple because it is that simple.
What if I stopped trying to understand life? What would happen? When I started this journey (a terrible time reference), I thought knowledge was my friend. The only thing I know now is I feel most at peace when I trust myself and honor my physical and emotional needs. The greatest thing I’ve ever done for myself is nothing. When my mind is quiet, the world is not filled with seven billion people. The world is one—a puzzle with seven billion pieces. When my mind is quiet, the lines between those pieces vanish. It’s a oneness—a wholeness—I have never experienced.
My fear of suffering is gone.
Suffering is resisting. It’s when the body won’t listen to its inner voice. It’s a byproduct of fear itself. I’ve stopped resisting, stopped fearing, and now the pain has no place to live. And I am at peace.
Without the pain, I can think of her and only feel love. The resentment has vanished. The days of missing her are gone because when I am at peace, when I am whole, we are one.
Do you feel that? If you let go of everything, you’ll find that quiet place, and you’ll find me. It’s so beautiful. So simple. It’s perfect. It’s “now.”
Now is not a moment. It’s now. It’s where we always have and always will exist.
I close my journal.
I cry my fucking eyes out.
I laugh.
I welcome all the feelings, and they make me whole.
Whatever happens from this moment forward, I will be like Scottie. I will be light in every way. I want to be the person others feel drawn to in their darkest hour.
Again, I laugh. Scottie is right. When you know what everyone else is trying to figure out, you can’t help but laugh. I spent years chasing something, buying into the illusion of time, and collecting tangible things because I was too nearsighted to see the bigger picture and too farsighted to see what was right before me. Could it be that only the blind can truly see?
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
SOMETIMES YOU FIND YOUR DREAM, AND SOMETIMES IT FINDS YOU.
Scottie
“We’re about to close; hope you don’t need much,” I say to the customer who has the nerve to walk through the door two minutes before eight.
“I only need the girl behind the counter.” He shuts off the Open sign.
I toss him the key to lock the door.
As soon as he steps behind the counter, I grab his shirt and pull him to me. “If you think I’m going to change my mind, you’re—”
“What do you want, Scottie?” Koen asks.
I release him, eyes narrowed. It’s not what he said; it’s how he said it. “Sexually?”
He smirks. “No. Well, maybe we’ll discuss that later. What do you want out of life? Do you want to get married? Do you want a family?”
“Are you proposing?” I ask with a laugh.
He twists his lips, sliding his hands into his back pockets. “I don’t know yet.”
My heart skips more than one beat. Is he serious?
Before I lose all composure, I clear my throat and find a good answer to his question. “I …” I shrug as if he asked me about going for ice cream. “Yes. I mean, I’m not opposed to marriage or a family. We discussed this on Valentine’s Day.”
“What does that look like for you?” Koen keeps a serious face.
After another nervous laugh, I lean against the counter, hugging myself. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Do you want to be home with your kids? Do you imagine working full-time and sending kids to daycare? Do you imagine your husband staying home?”
Jesus. This is a deep conversation.
“I’m not sure my income would support a family if my husband wanted to stay home. Are you looking for a sugar mama?”
His lips quirk into a tiny grin. “No.”
“Koen, I …” I shake my head. “I don’t know how you want me to answer you.”
“Honestly.”
I frown. “I don’t know the answer. I’m not a planner. I live in the moment. I figure things out when the time comes.”
“Okay. Then marry me. And let’s figure it out as we go.”
Something between a laugh and a cough escapes my chest. “I don’t know my timeline for accepting wedding proposals, but I’m pretty sure it’s longer than two months.”
He sighs. “At the risk of sounding like I’m making a case for you to be with Price, I have to say that it’s possible he was pursuing you for that whole summer twelve years ago, but you were too caught up in your young mind to see it. Maybe you were too ‘in the moment’ to imagine a future. He probably wanted to love you the way I want to love you.”