Total pages in book: 76
Estimated words: 71765 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 359(@200wpm)___ 287(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71765 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 359(@200wpm)___ 287(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
“But you’re scared now?” he asks and my throat dries as I nod. I confess in a whisper, “I’m terrified.”
“What are you scared of?”
“I haven’t shared much in a long time.”
“Kamden said you’ve started, though,” he comments, his voice hopeful.
“Only two posts.”
“It’s something.”
“It is.”
“So you want to share more and you’re scared of that.”
“Not of sharing per se … scared of not sharing where I stand. It’s just … it’s complicated.”
“What are you afraid of now?”
“It feels like I have so little left.”
“In this big house?” he jokes in a calm, comforting way. I know he’s got a smile on his face and he’s watching me, but I can only watch the billowing steam.
In my silence, he presses, “Money?”
“No … money is fine. It comes and goes, but money is fine. … It’s just there are things that I want to talk about, and I’m afraid if I share it with them …” I can’t bring myself to say it, but somehow I do. “If I share it, somehow they’ll make it hurt. They’ll make that little piece that means so much, become insignificant and then there won’t be anything left at all.”
“Well, you know no one has control over you. Only you do. You can only control yourself.”
Nodding, my response is cracked when spoken. “I know.”
“Maybe you should keep some things to yourself. It’s not a bad thing. You don’t owe anyone anything.”
“It feels selfish in a way.”
“Protecting yourself isn’t selfish.” Damon’s adamant, but so is my phone that buzzes with a new text. The cement block that it is, opens to reveal a simple question.
“Everything okay?” Damon asks when I go quiet.
“It’s just Kam. He wants to have a meeting soon.” Toying with the phone I add, “He asked me when I’m free.”
“And that upsets you?” he asks, gauging my solemn expression.
“He’s never asked before.” Again, that cold, lonely feeling that overwhelmed me when I woke up covers every inch of my skin.
“Things are different now.” I swallow down the regret and push my phone away. “Everything is different.”
“Different is not only okay. Different is good sometimes.”
“I just wish some things could go back to the way they were.”
“Which things?” he asks and my answer is immediate. “I wish I weren’t so damn afraid.”
“What are you afraid of?”
“That I’m going to make a mistake. Just one and I’m going to lose everything because of it.” Zander. I’m going to lose Zander. I can’t tell him, because even confessing that to Damon feels like it could lead to me losing him. No matter where I look, I think, one step, and it’s all gone.
Zander
There’s a bite in the air when I pull up behind Ella’s the next evening. Sunset comes faster in the fall, and it’s almost finished now. Not quite cold enough for a winter coat, but there’s a frosty edge to the breeze. The kitchen lights are on, spilling light out onto the porch, and Damon’s in there.
Staring down at my phone, I see there are three unanswered messages.
Kamden: Have you talked to her? You need to really talk to her.
Cade: There’s no chance in hell that she’s moving out of that house. She’s under our protection and to the judge’s order, it is only under the condition that she stays at that location. And the cameras will be staying. I can’t make exceptions and you know that.
Damon: I don’t know what happened last night, but you should have been there this morning.
Everyone is watching us. Judging us. Even worse, their approval is an actual fucking factor in our relationship. None of this is ideal.
Another message comes in. This one from one of the lawyers involved in Quincy’s case.
Arguments start at 9:30 sharp—wanted to keep you updated. Courtroom will be open if you want to sit in.
For a brief moment, I hesitate in the car. It would be far too easy to tell them all to fuck off. To tell them I’m handling it, that I’ve got her. It’s their intentions that kept me from texting each one of them just that. I’ll give Kamden the benefit of the doubt. They all have her best interest at heart. We all want the same thing: for Ella to be healthy and happy.
All day I’ve wondered what it is I want from this, and all that resonated was the moment in her kitchen when I heard her laugh for the first time. When she smiled up at me with a knowing look. I want that flirtatious look in her eyes. I want her moaning my name. I want her.
Clicking off my phone and shoving it into my back pocket, I settle on not responding until I speak to Ella and decide together what I should tell them.
Damon’s message is the one that blindsided me the most. Him telling me I should have been there doesn’t sit well with me. If he’s pissed at me for turning my back on The Firm, he should say it.