Total pages in book: 69
Estimated words: 66184 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 331(@200wpm)___ 265(@250wpm)___ 221(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 66184 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 331(@200wpm)___ 265(@250wpm)___ 221(@300wpm)
“I’m glad you did the right thing, but I’m not coming back to work for you. I will help you search for a replacement, if you want.”
“We’re not worried about finding a new HR manager. It’s you we can’t replace.”
I don’t know how to respond, and these words are still ringing in my head when I notice the box of items I brought home from Community Bean on my last day there. Among my potted plants and dolphin figurines, there’s the mystery gift box I received and never opened, since all hell broke loose before I had a chance.
I slide my finger under the tape that holds the side of the gift box closed. It’s definitely not a figurine, because, along with the shape, the weight of the box is also different from the others.
There’s tissue paper inside, and beneath that, white fabric. It’s a … t-shirt? I unfold the cotton to reveal a design on the front titled, “Coffee.” Beneath it are rows and columns of little drink illustrations, including latte, cappuccino, macchiato, and a few I’ve never heard of before.
Instantly, I’m back on Derek’s couch, expecting him to put a movie on, and instead being treated to a video about these same drinks—a video I never really watched because I had better things to do at the time.
No one else would have given me this shirt except Derek and Jansen. And if they gave me this shirt in this white box, left in the same spot on my desk as the other gifts …
I reach down into the hastily packed box of my office belongings and find the first dolphin I received, the porcelain figure with gold accents.
I don’t recall ever talking to either of them about my dolphin collection. Were they observant enough to notice and select such personal gifts? It shifts so much of what I’ve thought of them and our so-called relationship.
You don’t send thoughtful, meaningful gifts like this to someone you’re just casually hooking up with. If they felt the need to send gifts because we were having sex, flowers and chocolates would be the typical go-to items.
The dolphins imply a level of caring that I never imagined was there, at least not so early on, and it makes me look at everything through a different lens.
“What’re you doing?” It’s Marissa at my door, giving me a tentative smile. Among all the new activity in our lives, I’ve only told her the basics of what happened between me and my bosses.
“I’m just—” I hold up the coffee shirt, as if it’s any kind of explanation, and then I burst into tears.
CHAPTER 54
ANA
My friend is at my side in an instant, rubbing my back and urging me to let it all out. She brings a box of tissues over, and patiently lets me cry.
It turns out I had a lot of pent-up emotion inside.
“Where are Stella and Jessie?” The little girl’s been through enough lately; I don’t want her to have to wonder why her auntie is crying.
“They’re at the library. Do you want to talk about things?”
“I don’t know. I guess so. … I don’t even know where to start.”
“Are you feeling sad?”
It turns out to be surprisingly hard to put a label on how I’m feeling. Eventually, I say, “Yeah, that’s part of it.”
“What is it that’s making you sad?”
“I miss them … even though I don’t think I should miss them. I’m sad at the potential of what could be, but probably never will be.”
Marissa’s still rubbing my back. “What do you mean?”
“When things started, it was just sex, and that was one hundred percent okay with me.”
“I remember,” she says with a grin. “The best sex ever, so much sex.”
Her teasing brings a small smile out of me, making it easier to continue. “They were completely unsuitable for anything more. They were uncommunicative, cold to me when we weren’t having sex, just generally unpleasant. Not at all like men I’d actually fall for.”
Gently, she says, “But you did.”
I nod. “But I think I was projecting things onto them. Noticing every tiny bit of positive behavior and attaching meaning to it, envisioning them like book boyfriends, who’d fulfill my every need in the bedroom and out.”
“You idealized them?”
“I fell hard for them, without even wanting to, and before I even realized it was happening. Then just as I was about to confess to them how I was feeling, the veil slipped away, and they were again the hard, unyielding, bossy … jerks that they were in the beginning. I can’t even figure out what’s real anymore.”
“People are complicated.” We’re both quiet for a minute, then she asks, “What is it that you’d want, in an ideal world?”
If I think too hard about this, I’ll continue to go in circles, so I try to express what’s in my heart. “I care about them. I want to be with them. They’re a part of me now, but I won’t be treated the way they treat me.”