Series: Fever Falls Series by Riley Hart
Total pages in book: 89
Estimated words: 85157 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 85157 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
“Hey! I’m really hot.”
Yeah, he was, but I wasn’t going to sleep with him. “Get in the car, Drunky McDrunkerson, before I leave your ass here.”
For once in his life, Ash listened without argument or sarcasm. I helped him into the car and then headed toward his house.
We were quiet the whole drive, Ash with his head against the window. When we pulled up in front of his house, I got out and automatically went to his side to help him. He was already opening the door when I arrived. “I can do it,” he said, a slight terseness to his voice.
“Okay.”
I’d done my job, gotten him home, and knew I didn’t have to go inside, yet I followed him to the porch, waited as he unlocked the door and went inside. There was a tightness in my chest, my thoughts swirling around, battering my brain. I wanted answers. I wanted to know everything. I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to run because somehow I knew that once Ash opened up, nothing would be the same.
“You must think I’m a fucking disaster, huh? I guess I am. I lost my career, and I still can’t keep my shit together.”
“It’s okay if you’re attracted to men, Ash. It’s okay…”
His eyes blazed with a fury of fire, his hands fisting before he unclenched his right one and shoved it through his hair, clearly having forgotten about his cap. “I need a drink.”
“Don’t,” I told him. That wouldn’t help. I had a feeling he’d been using that to help for a long time.
“You’re not my daddy, Campbell.”
I rolled my eyes, following him to the kitchen. “Grow the fuck up, Ash. You drink when you’re uncomfortable…to hide whatever the fuck is going on in that head of yours. Grow up and face it.”
He whipped around toward me. “Fuck you! We can’t all be as goddamned perfect as you!”
“Do you think it’s easy for me? That it was ever fucking easy for me? It wasn’t. Nothing has been. My whole goddamn life has been about other people, and fine, that’s my choice and I wouldn’t change it, but it wasn’t my choice to be a gay man, and I learned to be proud about that.”
“Did you ever think I don’t want to be?” His voice was softer, and when he spoke again, broken. “Did you ever fucking think I don’t want to be gay, Beau? I wouldn’t have had a career if I’d been gay, and who the fuck am I if I’m not Ashton Carmichael, football player!” He gripped the back of the couch, veins pulsing along the length of his arms. “Who the fuck am I, Beau?”
He took off the hat and threw it, chaos in his movements. My heart ached for him, bled for him.
“I’m tired… I’m so fucking tired.” And then he turned, walked down the hallway and into his room. I didn’t know what to do, so I followed. He stood facing the bed, his back to the door, his head down. His spine curled, weighed down by the truth he’d denied his whole life.
“You’re the same Ashton Carmichael. You’re the one who always beat me at everything, because you’re good and you work damn hard. You’re the one who makes people laugh. The one who excelled at football and is a better player than anyone I’ve ever seen.” I took a step toward him, then another and another. “You’re the guy who played in college and made it to the pros. You’re the guy who helped me teach Kenny how to play and who loves my mom’s chocolate éclairs. The guy who would do anything to make someone else smile, who makes it impossible to be in a bad mood around you.” Another step, and another and another. “The guy who kissed me at the end of a dock and made me admit to myself that I was gay.”
He sucked in a sharp breath at that.
“Nothing has changed, Ash. Being gay doesn’t change who you are, just who you love. You’re a good man, better than I ever let you know you are.” Which was the truth. I’d never been truly fair to Ash, had I? If I’d been better to him, maybe he would have felt more comfortable being honest with himself, or me, all those years ago.
“Did my kiss really make you realize you’re gay? It was that good?”
I chuckled. Leave it to Ash to focus on that. “Yes, you cocky motherfucker. It was. I was so damn angry at you because of it too.”
He turned, faced me, a slight flush on his cheeks, his eyes dewy with unshed tears.
“Maybe you’re bisexual,” I told him.
“I’m not bi, Campbell. I’m gay. I’ve spent my whole life trying to be straight…trying to be bi, because at least then I had a choice. I’ve spent years in denial, telling myself that I did find women attractive, that I didn’t find men attractive, that I didn’t crave the feel of a man beneath me, but I did, I always have, and no amount of drinking and fucking women will make it go away.”