Total pages in book: 90
Estimated words: 87538 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 438(@200wpm)___ 350(@250wpm)___ 292(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 87538 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 438(@200wpm)___ 350(@250wpm)___ 292(@300wpm)
She trails off as if she’s trying to pinpoint the difference. I can help her out—her family aren’t rude arseholes.
“I would have loved to have grown up like this. There’s so much warmth and love and…it was a lot of questions, and some of them weren’t so sensitive, but none of them came from a bad place. It was thoughtlessness, not nastiness.”
I nod and take a seat on the bed opposite her. “That’s true. They didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. They’re just a little too comfortable themselves.”
She smiles at me, and I don’t know if it’s the light coming through the window or because she’s holding Guinevere, but she’s luminous.
This is why I shouldn’t be in here.
This is why I should have insisted on staying in London this weekend.
This is why I should have never hired Eira as Guinevere’s nanny.
“I’m sorry about your parents,” I say, leaning forward, my elbows on my knees.
“Can I tell you something?”
My heart starts to canter. “Of course.” I want to know far too many of Eira’s secrets.
“I grieved my parents a long time ago. Before they died. I was raised by nannies and teachers. Not by my parents.” She fixes me with a look. “They didn’t want children. Not really. I think they had us because that’s what people did. But they weren’t interested in us. They were always traveling or working or out who-knows-where.” She pauses. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I’m sorry.”
I sit upright and place my ankle over my thigh. Eira watches my movements. “I want to hear. Tell me.”
“That’s it really. They were parents in name. But they didn’t love us. We didn’t love them. We lived in the same house and we shared the same surname. That was it.”
She says it in a matter-of-fact way, but my heart gently clenches at her words. I don’t know what it would be like to not have known my parents loved me.
“I was uncomfortable answering your family’s questions because I feel like a fraud whenever the accident comes up. People expect me to be a grieving orphan. Problem is, I was never particularly sad that my parents died.” She glances up. “I do wonder whether or not I’ll get struck down for even thinking like that.”
“Of course you won’t,” I say, trying to be reassuring. “But you and your brother and sister are close?”
She nods. “Always. We had each other, no matter what. That’s what I’d always say when they were little. We have each other.”
“I feel the same with my brothers. I know they bait me, but like you say, it’s done out of love.”
“You’re lucky,” she says, and our eyes lock.
Eira looks away first. “You know, becoming a parent is an adjustment for anyone. But just spending time with your daughter will create a bond between you. I’m sure it would have created a bond between my parents and me and my siblings, had they made the effort.”
I suck in a breath. “When I made the decision not to sign the adoption papers, I didn’t think much past the point of fulfilling my responsibilities,” I say. “Doing my duty.”
“Most people don’t think through the implications of having children,” she says. “To be honest, most of the time, it’s impossible to imagine.” I know she’s trying to be comforting, but she’s giving me too much credit.
“I thought it would be like you describe it with your parents. I would share a house and a last name with Guinevere. I’d be her father in name only. Because I love my work. I was put on this planet to carry out the research I’m involved with. It’s going to transform people’s lives. Guinevere would have a loving extended family. She’d have the best of everything materially. Go to good schools but…she’d be raised by nannies—just like how you described it.”
There. I’ve said it. She’s seen the worst of me.
Her lips twitch, and I know she’s got something to say, but she’s holding back.
“Say it,” I urge her.
She shakes her head. “It’s really none of my business.”
“You’re right. But I want to hear it anyway.”
“She’d have the best of everything, but not you? You’re the only thing she wants or needs. A human being in her corner, entirely on her side. Someone who will shield her from the worst of life’s twists and turns, teach her how to navigate them and comfort her when she’s lost. That’s all any of us want, isn’t it? That’s what I’ve tried to be for Eddie and Dylan, because none of us had it from our parents.”
“I bet you’re a great big sister,” I say.
“Dylan and Eddie would disagree, I’m sure. They’d probably say that I was pushy and overbearing and that I need to be…” She shrugs. “I don’t know, different. Sometimes I feel more like a parent than a sister. It’s just, I don’t want them to feel they have no one they can rely on but themselves. Because I know that feeling.”