Total pages in book: 224
Estimated words: 215705 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1079(@200wpm)___ 863(@250wpm)___ 719(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 215705 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1079(@200wpm)___ 863(@250wpm)___ 719(@300wpm)
Carrie is smart and intuitive. She knows I’m holding something back. She probably thinks it’s about the takeover, or my intentions toward her father, or even her. But she’s still with me because she also senses how damn much I care about her. I want her to wake up tomorrow morning and make my bed her bed. I fill my glass, trying to prepare myself mentally for this conversation. Fuck. Maybe it needs to wait. Her apartment burned down tonight. Or maybe that’s why it has to happen tonight, so she knows I mean it when I say I want her here.
I’m on my second glass of wine when Carrie joins me, sitting next to me, her body draped in a pink silk gown. She sets her wine glass on the table in front of us and I do the same. She scoots closer, her leg next to my leg, her hand on my knee. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Never before, but with you, yes. I think you need to know why I am how I am. Or was. You’ve done a lot to change me and even now, at times, I’m not sure that’s a good thing. Embracing that change is going to take a while. You need to know that, too.” I reach for my glass and down my wine.
“We have to do this now.”
I set my empty glass down and look at her. “We do, because I know how this affects me, how it’s shaped me, but you don’t, and that makes you afraid to let your life become completely entwined with mine. And that decision is upon us, Carrie. I want you here and you have to decide if you want to be here with me.”
“I’ll tell you the exact thought I had when you left the bedroom: I want to live with you, but not with secrets and lies.”
“Then I was right. You need to hear this.” My hands go to my knees and I lower my chin to my chest. “When I was a first-year law student, I was dating a girl who was really into me. I wasn’t really into her, but you know, I was young enough to want a convenient fuck.” I look at Carrie. “That’s the truth, as shitty as it sounds, but I’m not holding back.”
“You can tell me anything. I promise.”
I puff out a breath. “I finally decided I had to break it off with her. She said the L-word and I knew that meant that the situation was out of control. I decided that particular night. We stopped in a convenience store on the way back to my place.” I stretch my neck left and right. “It was being robbed.”
“Oh God,” Carrie whispers.
I rotate to face her because I need to own this. “I’ve never told anyone this. Gabe doesn’t know. Not beyond the outcome. Cat doesn’t know at all. No one knows.”
She takes my hands. “I’m listening.”
“The guy had a gun and he was going to shoot the clerk. I yelled and I took a step toward him to try and stop him. He turned and pointed the gun at me and Kelli—that was her name—threw herself in front of me. And she died.”
“Oh my God. Oh my God. Reid.”
“I led her on and she obviously really loved me. And what did she get for it? Dead.”
“And that’s when you considered criminal law.”
“Yes. I wanted to do something to make a difference, but the system is fucked with limitations and I’m sure you know by now, that I don’t do well with limitations. And rolling around in that kind of criminal law hell, wasn’t allowing me to move on. I refocused on corporate law and stepped away from pretty much everyone. I didn’t want anyone caring enough to end up hurt over me. Even Cat. She’s the kind of person who would throw herself in front of a bullet for someone she loves.”
Tears pool in Carrie’s eyes. “The pain and guilt you must still struggle with.”
“I found a place to put it. I don’t think about it anymore except for random moments and yeah, they still gut me. I hated when Cat went to work for the DA right out of school. I knew she was putting herself in the sights of criminals. That’s when she and I really hit a wall. I wanted her with us, where I could protect her.”
“Did you tell her you felt that way?”
“No. I just drove at her like a bulldozer.”
Carrie pushes me against the couch and climbs on top of me, her hands on my cheeks. “Thank you for telling me. I understand so much now.”
“I don’t think you do. I didn’t want to care about you, but there was something about you from the moment I met you. I knew you were a West, but I didn’t stay away. I knew that would cause us both grief, but I didn’t stay away. It wasn’t to punish you or to hurt you. It was because I couldn’t.” I roll her to her back and lower myself over her. “I can’t, Carrie. Because I love you too damn much.”