Total pages in book: 78
Estimated words: 77422 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 387(@200wpm)___ 310(@250wpm)___ 258(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 77422 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 387(@200wpm)___ 310(@250wpm)___ 258(@300wpm)
“Why? Why are you barely hanging on?” I asked her. “You didn’t seem to have any problem letting go of me when you walked away. I wanted you to love me for me. All you needed to do was find a way to talk to me about your fears about my job so we could work through them together. Then we can go back to what we had! It’s what we both fucking want!” I informed her. “But you don’t want to do that!”
She shook her head, eyes closing for a long moment before they opened, resolve in her eyes.
“You have no clue what I want,” she said. “You don’t even know me. It’s obvious in the six months that we were together that you never listened to me at all. And another thing. Let me ask you this, and I want you to really think about this, Dean. Think about how you were with Alexa, and how she was with you. How would you have felt if I was like that with another man, or another man was like that with me?”
My brows furrowed in confusion.
“Ok, ok, now we’re getting somewhere. So explain what your other hesitations are. Why can’t you deal with me being on the SWAT team?” I asked. I now had a strong suspicion that not all of it had to do with her brother. “You do know that being a firefighter is just as dangerous as being on the SWAT team, don’t you? Why didn’t you fight for me?”
She grimaced.
“You left me,” she said. “I didn’t leave you. You being on the SWAT team wasn’t the entire reason I didn’t fight for you. For us,” she told me. “I had a problem because you were never fucking with me,” she said vehemently. “Sure, you spent time with me when you were off, but we were never alone. Every once in a while, I wanted to spend time with you when we weren’t fucking or sleeping. Such as going out to eat without having it interrupted by your mom, or your sister. Or Jackson. Or Bowe. Or Able. Or work calling you in. Or Alexa,” I snarled. “So no, it’s not the fact that you are on the SWAT team, or a firefighter with a dangerous job. It’s the fact that you’re too busy to do anything with me by myself. Then you go and add SWAT member to your already busy schedule. Why is it so hard to ask for a night where we spend time with each other while you watch TV and I read a book?” I asked. “Reading is not stupid!”
I stared at her like she’d grown a second head.
I didn’t bother to explain to her that I didn’t think reading was stupid. I thought lying in bed doing it all day was stupid, but the act of reading a book was not stupid.
In fact, I focused on the fact that her statements were hypocritical as fuck.
“You do realize that you had your brother’s son nearly every weekend that I had off. I never said a word about that. Never said a word about the fact that you would never stay the night. Never said a goddamn word about the nightmares you refused to tell me about.”
Her lips pinched tightly as my words hit home.
“If you wanted us to spend more time together alone, then all you had to do was say so. But you would have also had to do your part to make that happen, July,” I told her, bringing my hands up to cup her face. “Now, I want you to think real hard, go back over our time together, and I want you to name a single time that, as long as it was possible for you to be with me, that you weren’t by my side.”
She yanked her face free from my hands.
I could practically see her mind reeling.
How had I not known that there was more to her not wanting me to be on the SWAT team? How, could I not see that July was unhappy? I’d been so hung up on what I assumed was a guilt-trip over my job that I’d failed my duty as her man.
That didn’t help the situation we were in. She still left.
I dumped her.
But I didn’t. Not really.
I wanted her to fight for me. I wanted her to give me what she gave nobody else in the world. Her heart. Her trust. Her loyalty.
Things that she didn’t do. If I were being honest, things that I hadn’t earned from her either.
“I just wanted you,” she said softly. “I wanted to be the priority sometimes.”
“So you’re willing to try again?” I asked as hope filled my heart. I watched her bite her lip in consideration.
“No.” She shook her head. “I was only answering that unspoken question in your eyes,” she said softly, pulling away. “I’m letting you know why we don’t work. Why I didn’t fight for you. Why I’ll never be whatever it is that Alexa is to you.”