Total pages in book: 131
Estimated words: 130255 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 651(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 130255 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 651(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
Tears pricked at my eyes, and I had to look away from him. If I didn’t, I was going to burst into tears.
“Since then I’ve spoken to someone. Mostly about the anger I still hold towards my father and how it’s impacting my relationships today.”
“You spoke to someone?” I asked on a whisper. “Like a therapist?”
“Not like a therapist. A therapist.” He ran his tongue over his lips, daring to crack the tiniest of smiles. “Online. Apparently, it’s quite hard to see someone in person, but online? Not so much.” He rubbed his hand over his jaw. “I grieved my mum, but I didn’t grieve for Dad, not after I found out what really happened. My anger was too strong. Is. I’m not sure anymore.”
I slowly forced my gaze back to him, meeting his at the barest of glimpses.
“I’m not there yet,” he continued. “It’s going to take a long time for me to work through everything that I feel about their deaths, but I do know that everything I thought I wanted was nothing more than a coping mechanism. It was another thing I could blame him for. Another thing I could hold him responsible for, because the angrier I was with him, the less chance there was of allowing myself to grieve him.”
God. I wanted to hug him so bad.
“What are you saying?” I asked softly.
“All those things I didn’t think I wanted? Marriage? Kids? I do. I want them, Ellie. I want them with you.” His bright blue eyes shone with such thick, fervent emotion that every part of my body hummed with his reality. “I can’t imagine wanting them with anyone other than you. There’s no possible way for there to be someone else on this Earth who I could ever love the way I love you.”
The lump in my throat was big and heavy and chunky and somehow, I managed to swallow it back down.
“You are the only person I can see myself marrying and having children with. One, two, three of them, running around here with your hair and my eyes.”
Oh, my God.
No.
Not that.
He stopped and took a deep breath. “But that’s in time. I have to work through a lot of things before I can be a parent. Maybe even a good partner. I don’t know. But I do know that I’m willing to give it everything I’ve got and then some.”
I flexed my toes inside my shoes just to feel something—move something, because if I didn’t my legs were going to give out from under me and I was going to drop to the ground.
“I know that’s the opposite from everything I’ve ever said to you, and it probably sounds like I’m just saying it to make you stay in Windermere, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t believe me. I wouldn’t blame you in the slightest, but God, Ellie. If you think for a moment that you could take a risk and waste your time waiting for me to figure my shit out… I… You… You are the only thing I’m sure of.” He took a tentative step forward. “Don’t leave yet. Please. Stay for another day, just twenty-four hours, and think about what I’ve said. I’ll leave you alone and won’t bother you. Especially if you decide that you’re done. I promise that I’ll respect your wishes and never contact you again.”
Oh, my heart.
My breaking heart.
“Max.” I closed the distance between us and rested my hand against his cheek, tilting my head, seeking out his mouth with mine. I could taste his tears on his lips, and I hadn’t even realised he was crying. It made my own eyes sting, made tears threaten to breach them, made every part of me twist and twirl into knots that only made sense as long as I kissed him.
My lips lingered against his for a moment longer than they should have, but he wasn’t even touching me. He’d never raised his hands, never even touched, never dared to hold me.
As if he couldn’t trust himself to let go again.
“I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to admit that you needed help to process what happened,” I said softly, keeping my hand cupping his face. “And there’s nothing to be ashamed of with that—nor is there anything wrong with you wanting to wait and sort through what you need to before you have kids. In fact, that’s a really healthy thing to do. By putting your mental health first, you’re putting your future first.”
He sighed, lowering his chin a little, and tilted it to the side.
“But I have to go back to London. I can’t change that.”
Max dipped his head, nodding it slightly. “I understand. I’m sorry, Ellie. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to stay away from you.”
I smiled. “All my stuff is there.”