Total pages in book: 93
Estimated words: 87940 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 87940 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
This wasn’t the original plan. At least not for Bain. He announced to me when we got home from the hospital yesterday that he wasn’t going on the road trips and that he’d already talked about it with Coach West.
He didn’t discuss it with me.
Just told me that was what he was doing.
It resulted in an argument and I refused to let him stay home. “I don’t need you here,” I said. “I’m not dying or anything.”
Bain’s expression was a mixture of wariness and hurt, but he finally acquiesced because I gave him no choice. That’s when Drake and Brienne showed up to make plans to babysit me while the team was away. They’re all concerned to leave me alone for that much time. Ultimately, it’s left to Brienne to stay behind and watch the boys as well as watch over me. It’s a job she will gladly do, and it’s not the first time she’s had to take care of me when I was down.
I tiptoe into the bathroom and gently shut the door. I pee and change out my menstrual pad, feeling nothing at all at the slight brown spotting. It’s expected. After I wash my hands, I brush my teeth and wash my face. After applying moisturizer, I stare at myself in the mirror.
My eyes are bloodshot. I’ve had crying bouts here and there. They crop up out of nowhere and nothing in particular sets them off. If Bain was around when it happened, he merely pulled me into his arms and held me. If I didn’t want to be held, I’d go into the bathroom to cry in private. I’d bite down hard on a towel so I couldn’t be heard.
My skin is pale, my eyes look sunken. Is that because I’m tired or does loss physically change how you look?
I press my hand to my lower belly. It’s as flat as it was the day before when I was pregnant. It feels normal to me, as if the last week has been nothing but a dream unfulfilled. I lift my sweatshirt and stare at my stomach. I wonder what it would have looked like all rounded.
There’s a soft tap against the door and I drop my sweatshirt. Taking in a breath, I open it to see Bain standing there. His hair is mussed, indicating he’d been sleeping for a bit. He rubs his palm across his stubbled jaw. “You okay?”
“Yeah… just getting ready for bed.”
“Want me to make you something to eat?” he asks. I haven’t had much all day. Some soup at lunch.
I shake my head. “I’m not hungry.”
Bain takes my hand and tugs at my fingers. “You have to eat, Kiera.”
I pull my hand away and try to move past him. “I’m not hungry.”
He steps into my path, hands going to my shoulders. His face is an open book of concern, so painfully sincere that it feels like a punch to the gut. “I know how sad you are, but you need to take care of yourself.”
He just doesn’t get it.
Rage explodes within me and I slap his hands away. “I’m sorry I can’t be as fucking strong as you, Bain. You’re just going to have to give me a hot minute to process.”
He reaches out to touch my arm, but I flinch away. He seems unperturbed, his expression patient, and it makes me feel lonelier than ever. “Why aren’t you upset?” I lash out, suddenly bitter. “Why aren’t you angry or sad or… anything?”
“I am,” he says quietly. “I am upset. But right now, I need to be here for you.”
“Like you could understand!” I snap, sidestepping him and moving to my side of the bed.
“You could try explaining it to me,” he says, and when I glance back, he’s standing in the same spot, his arms crossed over his chest. “Because I’ve tried to talk to you about it all day and you keep shutting me down.”
I throw my arms out. “Well, I’m sorry, Bain. Sorry I can’t be there to comfort you just now.”
Christ, I know how ridiculous and petulant I sound, but all the nasty feelings inside me are coming out in word vomit.
“I’m not asking for comfort,” he says through gritted teeth, the first time his calm veneer has cracked all day. “Just for some conversation. You’re not the only one who lost something.”
A hysterical laugh bubbles up. “What exactly did you lose, Bain? In fact, what exactly did I lose? That baby was a mistake and you know it. We weren’t a couple. We weren’t trying to get pregnant. We weren’t looking to build a future. We had shitty luck but then tried to put on a happy face and make the best of a situation neither of us wanted.” My voice pitches higher, my words coming out over erratic breathing and I feel like I’m spiraling out of control. “In fact, now that I think about it, why aren’t we both rejoicing? Now we can go back to just being fuck buddies. Except I’m going to have to insist we double up on the birth control because no way am I ever fucking going through this again.”