Total pages in book: 99
Estimated words: 93806 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 469(@200wpm)___ 375(@250wpm)___ 313(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 93806 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 469(@200wpm)___ 375(@250wpm)___ 313(@300wpm)
He stands up straight and walks toward me. I back away, causing a shift in his eyes; the pain is evident from my purposeful move. “You don’t get to end this all on your own. You can’t. I’m in here more than you’re admitting to yourself,” he says, pointing at his chest since I’m out of reach.
He’s right, of course, but I’m more stubborn than he is.
Looking to my left, I see the strange emptiness of the sidewalk. No one is around, and I feel fortunate not to have witnesses to my cruelty. Because the one thing I need to be right now is strong, and that means saying something that will make him see the light, something that will end us once and for all. I could never hurt him publicly like that. I wouldn’t. So I’m grateful the sidewalk is desolate.
“Go, Charlie! Leave me alone,” I say, raising my voice. “Let me be. She’s your cousin. You’re her family. One thing I’ve learned is that no matter how far you escape, you will always be like them. I will never be able to trust you, just like I couldn’t trust Jim.”
His anger flares. “I’m nothing like him! You know I’m not. You don’t believe what you’re saying. You’re lying to yourself to save your heart the trouble. You’re lying to yourself as an excuse to stay holed up in that apartment, feeling victimized by a rich kid you had the misfortune of falling in love with. He was never who you thought he was. He was always that person, Charlie! You were just too blind or too in love to see it.”
He tentatively steps closer again. This time I remain, letting his words pierce me without a fight. I need to hear this because they’re the last words we’ll share.
After taking one deep breath to gather my resolve, I look into his eyes and say, “He may have been a rich kid I foolishly fell in love with, but I won’t make that same mistake twice, rich kid. Walk away while I still don’t mean anything to you.”
“Too late for that. You can’t push me away because you think you’re saving me from heartache down the road.”
“Yes, I can.” I grow frustrated by his sensibility in the midst of this mess, which weakens my stance. I continue anyway, still believing I’m right. “I’m not good. I’m not whole. Tonight, tonight proves that.”
It’s at that moment that the truth becomes so evident. “I can’t do this with you. I still had feelings for Jim, and he died on me. I thought that maybe . . . he came over one time and begged me to take him back. I slammed the door in his face. I wanted to hurt him like he had hurt me. That was two months before his death. He died skiing in Switzerland, Charlie. How could he say he loved me that much and then go on vacation? This won’t end well for me, and I won’t survive your rejection when you find someone more suitable.” I’m shaking my head and walking backward, needing away from everything that hurts, everything like Jim’s death and the reality that Charlie isn’t mine to hold on to.
When I look up, I see tears in Charlie’s eyes. His hands are reaching for me as he moves toward me again. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry he hurt you, that he left you, but I’m not him. I wouldn’t do that to you, and you know that deep dow—”
His words make me snap with a smack of reality. “But you chose Rachel, not me!” I try a final blow to end us. “I’m just a runner-up to you, someone you settled for. And for that reason alone, I could never fall in love with you.” As the lies I just told swirl around my brain, I feel like I’m going to be sick.
He flinches at my words. “You know that’s not what happened. You know how I felt that first night, Charlie.”
“I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t think I even really know you.”
He stares at me in disbelief. The sadness in his eyes penetrates my heart, so I turn, grabbing my stomach and blocking him and that look on his face from my sight. I won’t ever forget it, and I hate that it will be the last expression I’ll see on his beautiful face. All hope is left there on the pavement between us when I leave him standing there without a second glance, knowing this is right for both of us, best for us. I can’t be what he needs, what he deserves, and asking him to wait around is selfish.
I wish I could throw these old feelings away and move forward, but tonight was proof that none of it, none of my life with Jim, was resolved.