Total pages in book: 143
Estimated words: 130275 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 651(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 130275 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 651(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
But then something inside stopped me, and the controlling, consuming darkness that kept me from doing so many things these days wrapped its arms around me, and I headed past where she sat and went straight into the house.
It reminded me I wasn’t here to make friends. I just had to get through this trip. Then I could go home. And as to anything that happened after that?
I didn’t even care.
Rolling Hills and Bobbing Boats
Savannah
IT SEEMED IMPOSSIBLE.
I stood at the bottom of Helvellyn Fell, surveying its massive size with my eyes. It stretched higher and higher up until its peaks disappeared in the low-hanging clouds. I couldn’t even see the top, and they expected us to climb this? The day was—thankfully—dry, but the ground was crisp underfoot as the winter frost kissed the blades of grass that blanketed the uneven ground.
As I exhaled, my breath turned to white smoke and my lungs burned as I inhaled the frigid English air. A man named Gordon was our guide. An ex–British Army sergeant who would lead us over the next several days up and down the Lake District’s three famed peaks.
I wasn’t exactly athletic. Nothing about this appealed to me. But I was here, and I was introverted enough that I wouldn’t put up a fight.
Ida’s face popped into my head when I felt like backing down, and I took a deep breath and tried to psych myself up for the task ahead.
I had to try. For her, I would.
That was fast becoming my mantra.
I was wrapped up in layer upon layer of thermal clothes, with gloves, a hat, and a scarf that also covered half my face. It was freezing, but so far, I was warm enough to cope.
“Everyone ready?” Gordon asked.
I nodded like everyone else, and then we began our ascent up a steep set of jagged stone steps. After I climbed just a few, my thighs began to burn. Gordon raced up them like he had been here a million times—he probably had. Mia headed up the group, Leo pulling up the rear. Dylan walked next to me, seeming to find this walking in the moors easier than I was. Travis and Cael were behind us, with Lili and Jade up ahead with Mia.
Halfway up, I glanced behind me. Cael was climbing the steps with ease, not even a flush of exertion on his face. I had no idea why he hadn’t passed Dylan and me to take his obvious place at the front. Travis was clearly finding it hard, but Cael stayed beside him, eyes focused on the top of the steps. Until he looked at me, and I quickly faced forward again. Just by looking at him, I couldn’t help but replay yesterday in my head. In the living room. When he had jumped from his seat and thrown his journal into the fire, when he had challenged Leo and Mia. He was so angry. It seemed to pour from his every cell. Yet there were moments. Short, barely there moments where he caught my eye and his hostility disappeared and left the ghost of a sad and vulnerable boy in its wake. Only for it to capture him once again and bury him beneath high flames.
And yesterday … Cael had met my eyes in my moment of sadness. When that journal was placed in my lap and I began to break. He had seen me begin to fall apart, and the understanding I saw in his silver-blue depths reached out to me. Like for a moment, he just … got me.
The journal was designed to give me a place to talk to Poppy. To tell her how I’d been since she’d been gone …
My heart twisted just recalling the sheer terror that had sent through me. Because I could only tell her how I had failed. How I had crumbled. How life without her seemed pointless. How, after she died, something within me had collapsed, shattered my heart and soul into so many pieces it was impossible to ever glue them back together. That when she took her last breath, all my joy for life left too. That I had held her hand so long after she died that her fingers had been molded into a clutching position when I was finally forced to let her go.
And I would have to tell her that I had let her down. That I had failed her so badly that it had impacted everyone’s life around me. Ida, Mama, Daddy … I had no friends, no life, and I was scared.
I was petrified that I would never be able to let her go. That this would forever be my lot—
Suddenly, my ankle overturned, and I stumbled on one of the many cracked and uneven stones. I felt myself begin to fall back. Dylan turned just as my heart dropped, but he was too far away to catch me. Then, just as I feared I was about to crash to the ground, strong arms took me in their hold and kept me standing. I scrambled to grip on to the black sleeves of a jacket, and I knew exactly who had caught me the moment I smelled that familiar scent of sea salt and fresh snow.